You may call me Merlin. It is not my real name, but it is my life. I am currently writing to you in hospice. Do not worry for me however, for this is only the start of my journey.
They told me I don't have much longer to live. But I know how old I am now, which means I know exactly how long my journey will be before I am born.
You see, things in my life are the opposite of what you consider normal. Tragedies to you are celebrations for me. Celebrations to you mean something is about to be lost for me. Medicines make me sick, and bullets heal me. (I'll try to get to that later.)
I remember everything that will be happening to me, but I will experience them again when the time comes. Once I experience them, the memory disappears forever.
I wrote a diary only to show myself what is coming, but whenever I have a pen, I only use that to erase what I'm about to experience.
I've had pain lessen with each sunrise. I've had scars become increasingly prominent, only to be replaced by stitches, then unraveled into an open wound, and uncut by scalpels, leaving untarnished skin in its place.
I will be pulled backwards out of the hospital to enjoy my life once more. I'm looking forward to that.
If you have to ask, yes, I walk backwards. How, you might ask. Am I not blind, would I not bump into things? To you, eyes help you predict what's coming, so you don't bump into things. For me, my memories replace your eyes. I remember everything that I will have walked by and already know what I won't bump into. What I see at any given moment are the things I'm about to forget.
What about friends and family, you may ask, what are those relationships like? Allow me to say I value my worst enemies above all else. The most terrible pain and distress I'm experiencing now, would be completely removed by enemies who come into my life. And my supposed loved ones? I fear them most of all. Whatever I'm enjoying most will eventually be sucked out of my life by them.
Anger in others means great things are coming. Smiles are the most terrifying features in a face, for they are omens of horrible things to come.
And my parents? They are the worst of all. They will eventually drain me of everything I hold dear, even my ability to walk and talk. They will carry me to my inevitable and terrifying birth, where I will live no more. They are the two most horrible people I know.
.wonk I elpoep elbirroh tsom owt eht era yehT .erom on evil lliw I erehw ,htrib gniyfirret dna elbativeni ym ot em yrrac lliw yehT .klat dna klaw ot ytiliba ym neve ,raed dloh I gnihtyreve fo em niard yllautneve lliw yehT .lla fo tsrow eht era yehT ?stnerap ym dnA
.emoc ot sgniht elbirroh fo snemo era yeht rof ,ecaf a ni serutaef gniyfirret tsom eht era selimS .gnimoc era sgniht taerg snaem srehto ni regnA
.meht yb efil ym fo tuo dekcus eb yllautneve lliw tsom gniyojne m'I revetahW .lla fo tsom meht raef I ?seno devol desoppus ym dnA .efil ym otni emoc ohw seimene yb devomer yletelpmoc eb dluow ,won gnicneirepxe m'I ssertsid dna niap elbirret tsom ehT .esle lla evoba seimene tsrow ym eulav I yas ot em wollA ?ekil spihsnoitaler esoht era tahw ,ksa yam uoy ,ylimaf dna sdneirf tuoba tahW
.tegrof ot tuoba m'I sgniht eht era tnemom nevig yna ta ees I tahW .otni pmub t'now I tahw wonk ydaerla dna yb deklaw evah lliw I taht gnihtyreve rebmemer I .seye ruoy ecalper seiromem ym ,em roF .sgniht otni pmub t'nod uoy os ,gnimoc s'tahw tciderp uoy pleh seye ,uoy oT ?sgniht otni pmub ton I dluow ,dnilb ton I mA .ksa thgim uoy ,woH .sdrawkcab klaw I ,sey ,ksa ot evah uoy fI
.taht ot drawrof gnikool m'I .erom ecno efil ym yojne ot latipsoh eht fo tuo sdrawkcab dellup eb lliw I
.ecalp sti ni niks dehsinratnu gnivael ,sleplacs yb tucnu dna ,dnuow nepo na otni delevarnu neht ,sehctits yb decalper eb ot ylno ,tnenimorp ylgnisaercni emoceb sracs dah ev'I .esirnus hcae htiw nessel niap dah ev'I
.ecneirepxe ot tuoba m'I tahw esare ot taht esu ylno I ,nep a evah I revenehw tub ,gnimoc si tahw flesym wohs ot ylno yraid a etorw I
.reverof sraeppasid yromem eht ,meht ecneirepxe I ecnO .semoc emit eht nehw niaga meht ecneirepxe lliw I tub ,em ot gnineppah eb lliw taht gnihtyreve rebmemer I
(.retal taht ot teg ot yrt ll'I) .em laeh stellub dna ,kcis em ekam senicideM .em rof tsol eb ot tuoba si gnihtemos naem uoy ot snoitarbeleC .em rof snoitarbelec era uoy ot seidegarT .lamron redisnoc uoy tahw fo etisoppo eht era efil ym ni sgniht ,ees uoY
.nrob ma I erofeb eb lliw yenruoj ym gnol woh yltcaxe wonk I snaem hcihw ,won ma I dlo woh wonk I tuB .evil ot regnol hcum evah t'nod I em dlot yehT
.yenruoj ym fo trats eht ylno si siht rof ,revewoh em rof yrrow ton oD .ecipsoh ni uoy ot gnitirw yltnerruc ma I .efil ym si ti tub ,eman laer ym ton si tI .nilreM em llac yam uoY