The majority of the time, I love to write. Today is not one of those days. I had a nightmare, this morning I can't remember any of the details, but at the time it was frightening. During my class the importance of goal setting was stressed. I know that it is important to set goals and write them down on paper, and I make excuses for not doing it rather than just sitting down with one of my numerous notebooks. My kitchen is frustrating me because it is poorly designed, but the place where I am at is safe, and I'm really glad I listened to the friend who told me to stay where I am while I did the whole career change thing.
I don't feel like doing anything today, and this is worrying me. I was very sad when I woke up, thinking about things that happened, or didn't happen, from years ago. I let the feelings just kind of simmer and allowed myself to identify them. I'm angry, I'm upset, I'm lonely, am I depressed? Then I made myself get up out of bed and started tidying up the bedroom. Just doing that was helpful even though I feel as if I have a lot more I need to be doing. I had kind of an interesting conversation with a friend of mine about a woman he went out with several months ago. She's in a job that perpetuates hookup culture, but doesn't want to leave because she makes decent money and has benefits, etc...
We went back and forth about why people stay in jobs that they don't like and aren't good for them. I'm probably one of the more extreme examples of someone who job hops, but on the flip side you have those who have been in the same place for years, and are dreadfully unhappy there. Neither is right, neither is wrong. There is a different strategy for everyone, my point is that it wouldn't hurt these people to look and see what is out there. I hear it from so many people, that they make too much to leave. My hunch is that they would be just as well if not better compensated elsewhere, and I also believe that there is more to life than a paycheck.
I'm really disappointed in myself at times, I feel like I am wasting a large portion of some of my best years. Then I tell myself that it sounds as if I am being hard on myself, which of course, I am. So today my goal is to write out a plan for the week. I feel like I need to really get into my kitchen and do some decluttering there. I probably don't have too much compared to many others, but I don't have room for the things I do have, and that's stressing me out and making me very irritable. It may be a simple matter of just rearranging the things I have, putting seldom used items up higher, or whatnot, but I really need a solution for this area, and I'm determined to give myself one, or at least attempt this.
Until next time,
J
P.S. It was really nice to be able to get some sleep for a change. I treasure that fondly. Also, I deleted the dating app, it isn't getting me where I want to go, so I decided to set it aside for now. I can always go back to it at some future point in time if I feel the need, but currently I am feeling so jaded and cynical that I need to take a break.
j