This morning I logged on and there were three "like" messages about three of my Extroverted Feeler stories. Then a fourth. Then a fifth. When I came back from swimming, there were thirteen. Cool.

The voice teacher is coming back to town. More lessons!

I've been trying to reconnect with the parties on the opposite side of the court nightmare two years ago, for my niece's sake. Mine too. Also with the family members who went silent. One assures me that she is and was neutral. But she doesn't want to hear about it. But she could see my side back then and hoped that I would do what I did! And if I'm emotional then we need to stop talking...

It is confusing. I gather that I can rejoin that part of the family as long as I don't talk about it. There is a script and I'm supposed to follow it. I just reread a dream where my father was directing an opera. My sister was singing the lead. I was a bit jealous but also knew that I was being unreasonable because I had refused to try out. In the end I was going to sing the part for radio recordings because my sister only wanted the live parts.

....the family pattern is that I am supposed to get annoyed. Then I can be dismissed as emotional and angry. I'm not supposed to rejoin it and follow the script. They need people to fail the script so that they can refuse to acknowledge their emotions and attribute them to the person that fails.

I'm really missing the lake. And my sister, who would have read this and laughed. "If you'd do what they want, they'd like you!" she said, when I complained.

I have two MORE family members with cancer. At least it's not any of the kids. I wrote actual paper letters with stamps.

Maybe I can go back to the lake someday, when I either can follow the script or just don't care.

Written after my May 7, 2014 log:

1. First level: follow the script.
2. Second level: fail to follow the script. Get cast out again.
3. Third level: WHY DO I KEEP TRYING IF I KNOW THAT LEVEL ONE AND TWO EXIST? Other people walk away or stop caring. What is the matter with me?
4. Fourth level: That damned daemon. That interior voice that does not care what we want, what we would like, what we think we should be doing, that says this is what you need to do. The really irritating part about it is it doesn't care how I feel. It is neutral but present. I can cry and whine and wail all I want to, and it stands, not very patient, waiting for me to get up and go on.

I wonder whether substance abuse is an attempt to hear that voice or to drown it?

Probably both.

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