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Woke up the night before last with a small shiner under my right eye at 1:30am. To put this in some perspective, I had gone to the hematologist/oncologist Wednesday morning for results of a bone marrow biopsy and aspiration done the previous week. The doctor shook his head as he told me that I did indeed have thrombocythemia, as was suspected from blood work that showed a genetic mutation called JAK2, in particular V617F. "moeyz, when you do something, you really go all out. I've never had a patient with this and cardiac sarcoidosis. But on the bright side, your numbers are somewhat lower at this time so you just need to take aspirin and we'll monitor your blood every 8 weeks, if that's okay."


I had been imagining and was prepared for the worst so I just shrugged my shoulders. I asked him about the worsening balance issues but he said that baffled him. I've known this doctor over 20 years and am in a clinical trial for the particular kind of breast cancer I had years ago. He's a TOP DOC and very compassionate, good sense of humor. For example, I hadn't seen him in over 8 years and went for an office visit when my cardiologist found the JAK2 mutation in my labs. He talked with me first then I was shown to an exam room where he handed me a gown, saying, "Since I haven't seen you in awhile, take off all of your clothes." This struck me funny so I replied, "Does that line ever work?" He blushed but smiled. So, anyway, sweet guy, good doctor.


On Wednesday, after the lab and office visit, I had a shot of Prolia for osteopenia plus my bones can be weakened by the meds I'm on for approximately 6 more months for cardiac sarcoidosis. I asked if there were ANY side effects and was assured there were none. (You can probably see where this is going.) I was told to take it easy, not do any strenuous work or exercise for 24 hours. I started binge watching RED ROCK, a somewhat weird but compelling Irish soap opera and hoped I would feel all right for the family get together last Saturday for my mother's 94th birthday. Honestly, I half-hoped I wouldn't have to go or could do a brief appearance. No such luck, but I actually had a great time. Best thing was my cousin from Long Island came!


Back to the shiner, which by the next day was worse. Son's girlfriend said to go to Urgent Care and/or call doctor. I opted for calling doctor. One nurse spent 25 minutes on the phone with me as she skimmed my chart and also looked up Prolia side effects. Offhandedly, she said, "My goodness, you have A LOT GOING ON." I told her if there are side effects, I am prone to get them. As she read some of them aloud, we both were laughing then she said to watch it and call back if the bruising got worse. I decided to do ice and saline rinses, neither of which made it dissipate but felt better, watched more RED ROCK while doing laundry and cooking.


I don't know if I'm relieved, stunned, or both with yet another diagnosis. But since none of my doctors know why my balance is so bad, I made an appointment with a sports medicine/orthopedic doctor I chose from the internet because he's close, takes my health insurance, plus I watched a brief video of him describing his philosophy of care. If I can get a grip on the balance problem, I feel like I can handle anything else. I can also ask him to check my eye if it's still such a lovely shade of purple. Wish me luck and thanks for reading and support.

Once upon a time I saw a meme type image that said; "I see fake people." Possibly this has been true my entire life. People can be superficial authentic, this was an important distinction for me. One week into my new job I'm wondering if this may actually stick. Last night I ate everything in sight. This morning I woke up and started eating again. While I was on the phone with my friend she asked what I was eating. I didn't want to tell her for some reason. We've been friends for about a year now. I tell her things I would not want others to know about me. Today she did the same. I feel as if layers have been stripped away from both of us. When she started talking about her sugar binges I could relate. I've been in and out of therapy since I was a child. But nobody ever talked to me about my unhealthy relationship with food and I'm not sure why it wasn't discussed.

I turn to food in times of crisis to fill that emotional void. I put my fork down and suddenly I was beyond full. I kept talking to her, pulled a bunch of books off of my shelves and then started laying out my clothes in the living room. I wanted to write, I thought it might be therapeutic. Whenever I try to avoid my emotions I turn to the wrong things. I don't want to feel the way that I do so I rely on coping mechanisms that have seemed helpful in the past. Today I read some things from the past. I didn't even remember writing Man holding a beer. I don't recognize that person anymore. The images are seared onto my brain, I no longer own that purse. I gave it to a thrift store and now I miss it. I took a shower and went for a walk. I told myself that I have plenty of time to buy groceries, make food, and prepare for the upcoming week. 

Now that I have a desk job I marvel that I wrote as much as I did when I had one previously. Sitting in front of a computer is unhealthy for that amount of time. I've been looking at places of my own and it's scary, but cool too. I read an article about women in abusive relationships and why they stay. It resonated. Today I am a completely different person than the woman I once was. I can't say that I'm better exactly, but I know myself better and there is comfort in that. My last chapter took an unexpected plot twist, I didn't see it coming and I love things like that, sitting down with one thought - to get my mind off of work, home, and other things that weigh heavily on my mind. The sky was powdery and blue today. The houses in the next subdivision are so cold, without personality, I don't know how people can see them and trade hard earned money for them. But once upon I time, I envied them. Exciting things are happening. I'm happy to be where I am right now.

Xoxo,

J

P.S. I have a vision of the future, it may not match what actually happens, someone I used to think about is on my mind again, and I'm not sure how I feel about that. It's unsettling, but I'm trying to just let the feelings be as they will.

P.P.S I love it when people post daylogs. Other writing is neat and important as well, but these small pieces of life as it is viewed from the owner's perspective are precious to me.

j

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