The past few days have been so crazy I'm not sure how long it will take to process them more fully. Yesterday I made myself get up, get dressed, and run some errands even though I was dead tired. I want to sleep, but it hasn't been as easy as I would like it to be. After returning a couple of things to the store I went over to see my mom, praying as I drove. That the experience would be a positive one rather than some of the negative and less ideal times we've had in the past. She was doing a yoga video when I arrived, she wanted me to watch her doing the video and offer her some feedback. I was rather annoyed by this, it wasn't so much the request as the lack of common courtesy; it was almost an order, and I resented that. She did offer to turn the video off, but somehow I wound up doing what she wanted, which I guess was maybe okay since the point was to spend some time with her.
I gave her a couple of pointers, not really sure of what I was doing, but as I got into it, I felt like I might be doing a better job than I was capable of initially. At one point I asked her about taking a class, she immediately shot that down, and then I was caught in one of the moments I despise. She told me she had once taken a class and the instructor had barked out orders rather than going around the room to see who needed help with what, or was otherwise doing well. I've taken a class or two in my life, and told my mom that there were other good instructors out there. Then I advanced the idea of a personal trainer and she immediately dismissed that idea as well. She would rather go along on her own than take time out of her schedule to work with someone who will help her get where she wants to go faster, and in better form.
It occurred to me that I do this too. At least she is doing something. I felt bad watching her. Several years ago she broke her shoulder, now her arm movement is restricted. I have taken classes with friends and been frustrated when comparing myself to others since I am rather inflexible, but the part I apparently underestimated is how strong I am which feels like a strange phrase to be typing. My mom was working really hard to complete a basic relaxation video. I thought to myself, and even said it out loud at one point. I told her that she needed to connect her breath with the movements, and it wasn't really helping her if she was fighting rather than flowing. I wouldn't call myself an expert or anything, but I was able to tell her a couple of things that she found helpful, and I did feel good about that.
I did some of the things with her to try and show her how to better use the palms of her hands to bear more of her weight rather than concentrating pressure in her wrists, and I tried to remember to reinforce the positives and the things she was doing well. My mom is very flexible, but she has a weak core and chest muscles. As we went along I thought about my dream to open up a yoga/Pilates type place, it this exercise reinforced the notion. I think I would be good at it, better than I realize maybe. I can't get into the poses that require one to be more flexible, the ones that have a strength component are easier for me, it was such a moving and novel experience that I drove home wishing I had become some sort of an instructor years ago. Then I realized that I could still do this, then I thought about the time and energy involved, and immediately became depressed.
Last night was a lonely one. My mom was skittish about the job change. She was careful about how she worded her comments; I know she is just concerned about my well-being, it's stressful to be around her, and I wondered if I would ever be able to really relax around her. I can tell that she thinks me quitting my job was crazy, has no idea why I want to sell cars for a living, and has visions of <insert bad or worse case scenario>, she tries hard, and I see myself in her when I worry about my children. To my surprise I was much more confident than I have been in the past. Things are not great and I'm owning that. But my mood was very good and that was nice. It's my life, and I will have to struggle and manage during chaos as best that I can. I am nervous about the future, I could have really used a hug, a pep talk, an offer of some cash, or anything other than; 'watch me do this yoga video', but at the end of the day, I still believe that love is an action verb, so I did what I could on my end.
Xoxo,
J
P.S. Sometimes I really am my own worst enemy, but I'm better learning how to be a good friend to myself too.
j