I do not care for my new job. One of the reasons I took the job was because an owner of the company assured me that I would never be bored. I was told that there would be a lengthy training period and it would take about a year before I really understood the job and what it entails. Perhaps this is true. But I'm bored. I have received very little training and that's frustrating me. One of the women I work with is very slow, methodical, and goes off on tangents when asked even a very simple question. I can't tell if she is extremely overworked, doesn't have the right personality for the job, the job is structured in an inefficient and time consuming way, there are factors at play that I don't fully understand, or perhaps some combination of variables. On several occasions she's either snapped at me or treated me in a way that is otherwise unacepptable and unprofessional. Without actually apologizing to me she's explained that she feels as if she has to put on her happy face while she goes about her day and on some occasions, she runs out of happy. This is how abuse and bullying work. Someone is unkind to you, or you lack self esteem and the assertiveness to stand up for yourself so you find the next weakest link in the chain, which in this case, happens to be me.

The woman I sit next to has a completely different work mode. She is always very busy. Everyone is busy except for me and I don't like that either. She is very good about making sure that she gets what she wants. To some extent I actually admire this since I seem to be routinely pretty bad about this. I tend to be more of a giver. But if she doesn't have time to train me, then I am going to screw up calls that require more expertise than I currently have, and I will want to quit which is where I am at right now. I know that this seems like a good opportunity, and I think there is potential there, but it also means 40 hours a week in an office environment that does not welcome my creativity or brain power. Cold calls are a part of sales and I get that. But I did not accept a position to sit on the phone for eight hours a day doing nothing but cold calling which is what I have been doing. I like the owners who are a husband and wife team. They give me a great deal of autonomy and never ask how many calls I've made in a specific time period, or scold me for not managing my time better. They seem to have a very hands off approach to management which I would love if I liked the job itself more.

Many have told me that I am new, this is money coming in that I wouldn't have otherwise, and I should stick it out and give it time, or at the very least line something else up and then quit. Undoubtedly these people have wisdom and mean well. I'm having a really hard time with this because I hate wasting time, energy, and money, even if there is a financial gain for me. I just paid some bills and a paycheck would help. But I am also just dreading going into work today. It's not fun, it's not rewarding, it's not meaningful, and I feel caught up in office drama of the silent and catty sort. I can do my own thing and usually do, but this is really getting to me. It very much reminds me of being married, a sentence to serve, indentured servitude, yes I am being a bit melodramatic, but this is also my voice and I want to be heard. So far I haven't said anything to my boss and I'm wondering if I should, or just keep quiet and announce that I'm quitting when I find a new job. My hunch is that even if I go to her and share my thoughts and feelings, things aren't really going to change. These people have been working together for years, this is the dynamic that exists, and I'm not sure I would want the position even if I got along marvelously with others although doubtless it would help.

I play a role in all of this too. I have not been assertive and spoken up to tell others what I want and need. I keep telling myself to stay positive, hang in there, and that things will get better. I absolutely believe that they will, however they might get better by way of me handing in my notice and finding something new. As soon as I entertained the thought of quitting, I immediately felt better about life. I didn't worry about the money, I had a sense of relief and calm wash over me. A friend of mine asked if I was being picky, another advanced the theory that I have trouble with transitions. To a certain extent, both of these are true. However, when I worked at Miller Park I had fun working insanely long hours for less pay and in much poorer working conditions. If I am being picky, and I am, why would I settle for a job that makes me miserable when I have had other jobs that I really enjoyed? I spend far too many hours at work for me to put up with what I am doing now. I work to meet social and emotional needs, to learn while I earn, to have fun while working hard, and making a positive and meaningful difference in the lives of others. I am resourceful, efficient, intelligent, I have a lot of integrity, and it doesn't take me long to see how organizations are standing in their own way of increased harmony and most likely higher profits.

I'm still listening to The Power of Habit and it has given me tremendous knowledge, insight, and power to leverage some of the habits I have now, or had in the past. I see organizations as a collection of habits and this company could use some better ones. I'm proud of myself for sticking with some better routines, I've packed healthy lunches, avoided shopping (although I have overspent at the grocery store), I'm still using MyFitnessPal to track my food and water intake, I've also found a mood app that is helping me. More needs to be done, but the fact that I feel as if I can walk away from a job that is not serving me well without despairing or letting my self esteem sink too low is a very positive sign that indicates growth of a personal and professional nature. I told a friend that I view jobs and dating in a similar fasion. I want to fall in love. I want a healthy functional relationship with my career and I don't have that currently. I'm making money, but salary is not going to be enough to keep me there. I can go and talk to my boss, I don't know how that will go, perhaps some sort of truce can be arranged, part of me fears getting let go if I go to her, or being so frustrated I walk then and there, the other part of me sees the need for this type of conversation and I might as well get it done and over with today rather than wait.

That's where I'm at, I've been really happy with the chapters I've been writing. I really miss it, I sit at a computer all day at work, it's hard on my back, eyes, and other parts of my body, I could probably hack it if I went down to part time hours, this would also give me more time to look for another job and go to interviews, but they would probably see through that. I'm not really sure what my game plan is going to be, maybe I need to go in and just tell my boss what I'm feeling and see what she comes back with, I think she wants to keep me, I think her husband does too. I'm not really sure about the other people. I feel as if I get along with them well enough, I think part of the problem is I want deep connected relationships and a lot of these people seem pretty superficial. There's nothing wrong with being either way, you are who you are although I do believe that people can change, but it's also a matter of accepting differences. One friend said I need to develop ways to meet some of these needs outside of work and I absolutely agree with that. It would help if I took a yoga class, did some painting, spent more time at the library like I have in the past, etc..., but the job is part of the mix.

My sister asked me what jobs I liked in the past, I told her it wasn't so much particular jobs as it was the people I worked with and how meaningful the work felt to me. I didn't love selling footwear because I am some sort of a shoe whore, I felt like I was solving problems and helping others. Same with the grocery store. People came to me searching for hope, for someone to listen, I had the deep conversations and connections I craved and I really miss my boss who was very nurturing and empathetic, but also tough and savvy when it came to understanding razor thin budgets and sales strategies. She showed me a level of caring that I had no idea existed. I would love to be able to see her again, to talk to her, to hear how her life is going and what she has going on these days. We worked well together, we had energy, synergy, mutual respect, and complementary skill sets. I'm sad that I no longer have that in my life. My friend told me that I was really lonely. Another said I sounded so lost. I am eternally grateful for those who are lifting me up when I am down, I'm actually in a pretty good place which I think is another really good sign. I've shed tears of anger, frustration, and disillusionment, but I've also had others to lean on who keep checking in on me, praying for me, talking me through tough times, and sending me little bits and pieces of hope and encouragement when they can. Cards, text messages, phone calls, getting together with others, affirmation, these have all really helped me through this past week and a half.

Today is a new day. I'm scared to talk to my boss. I'm scared that she will get mad at me, I'm scared she will talk me into staying at a job that I can see is not a great fit. I'm scared that she'll tell me to leave and I will have trouble finding another job, and that if I do, I will go through this exact same thing for less pay, or somehow create a grass is greener, out of the frying pan and into the fire type situation for myself. These are catastrophic thoughts and I'm labeling them as such. I have not had trouble finding jobs or getting hired. I have turned down jobs that would have paid me less and required me to commute longer distances. I'm going to make a list of what I want out of a job, and what I am willing to give and do to get that. I think this is a good place to start, every time I quit I learn more about myself and others. I feel as if I have turned a corner recently and that has helped. In the past I would have let this derail me to a greater extent than it has. I quit dating and may go back. I miss having people to talk to and be with, I have a guy I've been texting, but it doesn't seem to really be moving forward, we've reached that plateau where each of us is comfortable with the way things are. I want more. It is out there. I just have to keep the faith, and find it unless it finds me first. Perhaps it will, you never know, it could happen. Until then, it will be interesting.



P.S. One feature of this job is having to look at scrumptious food all day and that's taken a toll on me since I know I will never be able to eat at any of these restaurants. I didn't anticipate that and it's making me very lonely and sad in a way I couldn't have anticipated. Lesson learned I guess.


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