I've always had this belief
, a superstition
if you will, a sort of spirituality for the post-religious paradigm
. I like to think that if you are thinking about a person, that they must be thinking about you. I don't mean fantasizing about, idolizing
…but that when you truly know a person as they are and they know you, that if your thoughts turn to them theirs must naturally turn to you as well. I know you've had such an experience
yourself, where you're just minding your own business and you suddenly have a thought about a person that you can't explain
. Try as you might, review the synaptic
channels that cause one thought to bleed
into the next, but you can't figure out what caused you to think this. The only explanation
is that they were thinking of you, and you felt that, causing you to think of them.
I know now that I'm older that this is wishful thinking, but I still don't understand how it's possible for you to feel so strongly for another person while they only feel indifference to you. You can't believe that another can use you merely to satisfy his lust if you are in love with him. Things shouldn't work this way…if there were any order in the universe, it wouldn't. And as a result you see things as being without meaning, the symbolic relationships that you've always tried to draw between people, objects, and ideas, clear lines that connect things and provide order to the universe disappear. Delusions of an active imagination, magical thinking. You are forced to look at the world with cold logic, laws of physics and biology, realizing yourself to be a creature controlled by chemicals reacting. A lack of certain chemicals cause this ache, this emptiness in your soul and certain hormones released by touching another cause you to yearn. These emotions that you feel are biological illusions, love, as said by the devil, is biochemically no different from eating large quantities of chocolate.
You rebel against this in your mind, you wish to believe that there is something more meaningful. You want a reason to feel as you do, you want your tears to have more than a biological basis as well as your joy.
Then you realize this rebellion isn't your own, it too belongs to the chemicals, and you throw up your hands, you are back to square one.