For a long time I've had this weird pain in my back that comes on
after I'm done eating. I don't know what this pain is, but I noticed it
becoming worse as I started going through various dietary changes. Today
I went to the chiropractor. It was my third visit this week, but I go
because I feel better when he releases that spot in the middle of my
back and I feel like I can start breathing a bit easier. This pain
doesn't seem to be tied to lung function, but it could be, it's as if
the muscles of my back are so tight they won't allow my chest to expand
fully. It's frustrating, kind of scary, and even though this doesn't
seem to interfere with things like my ability to walk, it has a
psychological impact because I fear I will run out of breath if I exert
myself.
My chiropractor recommended a physician he knows, the other day I
called a family practitioner the pediatrician my girls see told me about
and I decided that whether or not these people are physicians that I
like, I need to start somewhere even if it means starting over and
spending some money that doesn't get me the results I'm searching for.
Yesterday I didn't eat much, I always feel better when I don't eat which
is sort of alarming at times, but usually I think it feels good because
I'm so used to overeating and stuffing myself. During a past life that
is closer than I would like it to be I would drive to the grocery store
or gas station, buy at least two candy bars and eat them in the car on
my way home.
Needless to say that didn't help me, but I think I shared the story
about me not buying much candy when I had my paper route and my parents
took the money I had been saving and spent it without apologizing to me
for the theft, and buying the candy was an act of affirmation for me. I
can have treats, no one is going to take my money away and spend it on
things that don't support and nurture me. I'm still reading Healing The
Child Within, and I'm to the part where the author speaks about core
issues. This is helpful, and very painful, because I can see how I have
done these things, or been on the receiving end of the inappropriate
things described.
Every day I wake up to a knot of tension in my stomach that usually
doesn't go away. Sunday afternoon I went to the Brewers game with my
brother-in-law. I stopped to buy popcorn at the gas station and I was
sitting in a stadium seat when I realized that my stomach wasn't knotted
up the way that it normally is. As I read this book I can see behaviors
in my nuclear family that are distressing, I feel like I should be able
to do the things that will make me a person who is at peace with where
they're at in life, and for the most part, I shouldn't be complaining
about that place as many would like my life and the luxury of not having
to get up and go to a job.
Years ago I had a bad experience when I went to see a GI doctor so
now I'm afraid that if I take my daughter in to see one, bad things will
happen. When my youngest was a baby we saw a GI doctor who gave us some
bad advice, but we didn't realize the advice was bad until we got a
second opinion and I must subconsciously blame myself for not knowing
that the first doctor we saw was giving us poor advice. The problem with
having a screwed up head is you have a lot of trouble doing normal
things. This is not an excuse which is why I made myself do the dishes
that I left out on the counter, but I have to work myself up to doing
things that I'm fearing.
The bathroom needs to be cleaned, and when I go in there I can
remember my father baring his teeth and subtly abusing me in ways that I
didn't recognize as unwholesome since that kind of treatment from him
is what I've been trained to expect. I've written about the incident
elsewhere, but it keeps coming up at odd moments, sometimes when I'm not
in the bathroom or thinking about my dad, these thoughts will creep
into my mind and I wonder what kind of a person could be so naive and so
compliant to participate in their own traumatization. My sister said I
didn't see the manipulation because I don't have a tendency to
manipulate others, I'm not sure if that helped, or just confused me more
since I often view myself as manipulative.
Right now I have this small group of habits that I'm working on
expanding. Going to the doctor will be a big step to me. I'm afraid of
going, afraid of what they might find, afraid of them being cold and
clinical and uncaring. Afraid that they will overlook something subtle
or obvious, afraid that the money will be wasted on an appointment.
Afraid of future expenses that may be associated with further testing
they may want, and this is completely illogical, but I have this belief
that a medical degree means that you're some sort of super human who has
their life figured out despite having many friends in medicine who have
shared things with me that fly in the face of this belief.
I also have a problem feeling as if people are not listening to me
when I am talking to them. When I was either 22, or 23 I went to the
doctor for terrible pain in my knees and elbows. I still have this pain,
it keeps me from sleeping and today I have a problem because I really
liked the doctor that I saw back then, but the extra strength ibuprofen
that she prescribed tore apart my stomach and didn't really do anything
to alleviate the discomfort. Years ago a doctor told me that what I have
is rare, and there wouldn't be a routine screening or questions that
would lead a regular doctor to order labs that would reveal auto-immune
conditions.
I felt as if the implication there was that the doctor was not at
fault, I'm not saying she was, I'm saying that for more than a decade I
went to people telling them that I had this pain and these other
symptoms and no one was able to put this sequence together and arrive at
a diagnosis, and now that I do have the medical names for these things,
I don't have the kind of free and easy movements others enjoy. I am
absolutely better than I was, however that is subjective and I know we
all have something, but it seems like I'm caught in the gap between not
deathly ill and not well enough to work and play the way that I would
like.
Today I took a bath that had essential oils of lemon and basil. Using
essential oils topically or having them diffuse throughout the house
eases my breathing and I am very grateful that I finally spent the money
on them and a great book that has more applications than I'm going to
be able to use throughout my life as I will never be a man or a child
again. A good thing about having not much energy and decluttering around
the house is things are easier for me at home, but I feel as if I
should be able to do more and not live with this type of pain and
discomfort on a daily basis.
We finally gave up our membership at the YMCA, part of me is mourning
the loss of the sauna, especially as the winter weather chills me, but
we can't really afford it right now. Sometimes I feel like writing
helps, other times I feel like I'm spinning my wheels and not really
getting anywhere with it which is how I'm feeling now. I'm cold, kind of
tired, my stomach isn't feeling the greatest and my skin is so dry that
the parts that didn't get oil kind of hurt. I'm really sad today even
though the sun is shining through my windows. I wish I could be a cat
lying down in a warm patch of sunshine. Maybe I'll take a nap and dream
about that.
After posting this I only need 9 XP to get to level 14, when did that happen?