September 30, 2024

Gosh, I'm bored. I want to get back to work properly (boss has not yet asked for me at the two San Rafael markets and I'm itching to be back) I am missing not just the work and the social side but also the income (while I still have some savings left it's not going to be enough for me to pay rent, bills and do the travelling I want to do in the next few months). And it's certainly not enough to buy a much-needed new laptop; the keyboard on this one needs very careful treatment to get uppercase and some symbols out, as left shift is now unworkable unless I thump it, and some keys have stopped working altogether. As I'm not a great typist to begin with it is a major issue, so please point out any wrongness delicately!

I mentioned travelling. I'm hoping to go to Seattle in October, I'm waiting for Tess to give me the best dates. (Update: I'm heading up for Thanksgiving now.) For anyone in the area, I'd love to meet up with you for coffee, lunch or whatever. It's also going to mean I can go and buy a new kilt (maybe two, if funds will stretch that far ☺) Then in Spring I'm hoping to go and visit The Dryad and her family. I miss them all, there is a huge hole in my life now that they aren't just around the corner. I really want to go in Spring so i can visit some bluebell woods. I am hoping to organise at least some rough dates before the end of the year (probably after visiting The Tess) so I can book my tickets.

I really miss having someone to pour out love for, there's no-one special locally and my heart feels hollow. I grew so accustomed to continually outpouring hearts-ful for Christine and Tess and knowing it was felt, and felt it honoured, and it's hard right just now. I don't even feel like getting back into the dating game right now, but miss intimacy (not just talking about sex here, either). My heart feels like it belongs only to you, Dryad, and I miss you and hold out hope still. I truly love you, darling dear, and your children too!

I'm still having a wrestling with my philosophical conscience over studying Judaism. I hope to meet with a local rabbi after Yom Kippur, there's a meeting tentatively booked. Meanwhile I continue to attend Sabbath service on Fridays, and reading the Torah and doing a lot of meditating, but years of agnosticism have become habitual and it's hard to think of a God in my life again. Baby steps though, Kevin, things will become clearer.

On E2 I continue to write (happy birthday, Johan Svendsen!), am looking forward to a few things for the upcoming Halloween Quest, I've promised some things for Jet-Poop, and in November hopefully Iron Noder will have me writing every day again. Meanwhile I continue to enjoy ploughing through all the other writing here, investigating and creating interesting softlinks and Connecting Everything. I am runing out of things to read, so perhaps this afternoon I will hie to the library and start a new wish list for that. Suggestions for books in the fields of science, biography, science fiction or philosophy are all welcome.

Meanwhile, all you wonderful people, stay safe, happy and healthy. And as best you can, sane!

Written today, Pungenday, the 54th day of Bureaucracy in the YOLD 3190

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It is now October 1, 2024 server time, but for me it is still September 30th, and I want to include this under this date, especially because I have come to a revelation lately.

I am bored.

I was reluctant to admit this, even to myself, because I have no reason to be bored. And really, being bored is a privilege that a lot of people would like to have. First world problems, and all that. I am also in a place where I get to do fun, interesting things: bicycle up into the Bitterroot Mountains and explore beautiful natural areas that some people pay thousands of dollars for a chance to get to visit for a week. And if I don't have quite the gumption to do that, I have an entire internet of fun and learning, I can chill out by watching hours of YouTube videos where I might actually learn something...or, if I lack the gumption for that, I can very easily hear people lay out their deepest secrets. I mean, that happens even if I don't want to. I have A Big Ball of String here and I can sit in front of my computer, sipping tea and kava and eating chocolate and enjoying the rich panorama at my fingertips. But for some reason it isn't working.

Luckily, the writeup above mine helped me break the taboo and just admit that frankly, I feel bored. Nothing seems especially rewarding and interesting, even when I try. I try to get in the flow, enjoy reading, enjoy writing, just enjoy being, but nope.

In a few weeks, I will be doing things that hopefully I won't be bored during. Big changes are afoot, and I should be full of anticipation, but...no. But we will see.

As for me, I blame the dead internet. The internet has been so calcified into a few typical topics, which have typical reactions and typical dialogues, that everything feels so stale. Even in the midst of seemingly radical ideas and aggressive rhetoric, I rarely feel the sense of freshness of seeing a new perspective about how people are living their lives...and how we could be living our lives.

I am looking for a liminal state, that rush of adventure when you realize that the world isn't quite what you thought it was, when a simple idea casts the entire world in a new light. One thing about liminal states, though: you can't go looking for them, by definition. Because if you know what it is you are getting, it isn't going to be a liminal state. And also, of course, I want to have my cake and eat it too--I want to relax, stare at my computer, not have to commit myself, but still feel that things around me are new and exciting.

And so I find myself in the midst of boredom. Not the worst problem to have, but it is my current problem to have.