The current state of pyrotechnics in America is quite depressing. In our safety-crazed, overly litigious society, there is little room left for the insane fun of good old-fashioned firecrackers.

Oh, sure, we still have our pathetic sparklers and "snap-its" (what a sorry excuse for fireworks those are!), but something is missing.

What we really need in America is not gun control, national health care, or legalized drugs, but rather some simple over-the-counter explosives that go off underwater. That's right, ladies and gentlemen, the true measure of a firecracker is whether or not it will explode in a toilet.

It saddens me that my son will grow up in a nation that is deprived of the hearing loss and sheer seismic joy of an M-80 or a Silver Salute. You know our country is in sad shape when we have to cross the border into Mexico to get our hands on something as vital to our national character as a Cherry Bomb. Even the squeaky-clean Hardy Boys had their Atom Crackers, for Heaven's sake!

The only saving grace in all of this is the state of Missouri, which remains a bastion of pyrotechnic delight. If you have any interest in enjoying and preserving our fine heritage as a nation of crazed saboteurs, I highly recommend you check out the Show-Me State. Show-me some craters!

Here are some fun things to blow up with fireworks:

Note: fireworks are almost as safe as Happy Fun Ball.

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