He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you that you wish you could be.
He says all the right things at exactly the right times,
But he means nothing to you and you don't know why.
Everything You Want
Vertical Horizon

Don't you hate it when it feels like a song was written just for you?

This past weekend Andre came to visit me. We've been in a long-distance relationship for a few months now. I'm in Wisconsin, he's in L.A. He's never had a boyfriend before. And Friday night, he flew from L.A. to Milwaukee to meet me for the first time.

I was terrified of meeting him. Being someone's first love is, if you're aware of this fact and there's even a hint of the feelings being returned, incredibly intense. There's a lot of pressure involved. At least, there is for me. I've had my heart broken, stepped on, and generally maltreated enough that I'm very conscious of causing pain in others. And I've had enough LDRs go south that the whole thing just had me scared.

His plane arrived in Milwaukee just after 8am Saturday. We spent time with a mutual friend that day and went out to dinner, but aside from that we just spent time together, in meatspace, and talked, and just enjoyed being together. On Sunday, we just lazed about until I had to take him to the airport. All in all, fairly pleasant.


I could tell, every time I looked at him, that he was falling for me, deeper and deeper. And he was a friend to me, nothing more. And with this sinking feeling in my gut, I realized I was going to break his heart.

I coudln't talk about any of this before he left. The weight of his eyes was too much. I know I'm just a coward, but... I think the flight home would have been much worse if he'd been crying the whole way.

All Sunday night and Monday afternoon I was stewing in guilt. I was dreading telling Andre about how I felt, but the only alternative would be to string him along, and make things worse in the long run. So, when he came on IRC Monday night, we talked.

It was about as bad as I imagined. I did, indeed, reduce him to tears. After we talked for a while, I left, to go eat with my friend Mike. I ended up having a pina colada the size of my two fists, which definitely helped me relax. Then I went home and talked to Andre some more.

The hardest thing for him to understand is that it's nothing he did. He didn't say something to piss me off, or do the wrong thing. Something, call it chemistry, or pheremones, or just the atmosphere or the alignment of the planets was just not right for me. I still consider him a friend, just not more.

If I could blame someone, either him or me, it would be easier for both of us. But it was just one of those things, and that's very small comfort for him, unfortunately. I wish it could be different. I wish I could love him.

If you read this, I'm sorry, Andre.

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