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(phone rings)
Receptionist: CIA?
Victor Lewis-Smith: Oh hello, is that the CIA, erm, the spies thing... American?
R: Yes sir you're reaching the CIA, what can we do?
VLS: I'm phoning from England.
R: Yes sir?
VLS: (pause) The wildebeest will stalk its prey tonight.
R: The wildebeest will stalk its prey tonight?
VLS: That's what I just said.
R: (deep breath) Okay...
VLS: Oh, sorry, wrong person, wrong person, slipup, er, poison-tipped umbrellas and cyanide, yes, er, I am myself very high up in the British government... hello?
R: Yes sir
VLS: Erm, I work for...
R: Yes sir, I don't understand why you're calling.
VLS: Well I work for Ipswitch Town Council, have you heard of that?
R: No sir
VLS: Right, we deal with the pencil sharpening, the rubber bands, that sort of thing, I work as I say...
R: Sir, I need to know right away why you're calling us, I have other calls coming in.
VLS: Right, okay. THRUSH.
R: I beg your pardon?
VLS: THRUSH. I have had dealings with THRUSH.
R: Sir, I'm afraid I have no idea what you're talking about.
VLS: Well it's quite simple, I spoke to your president last week and I said that I wanted to become a spy, to work for the spy thing, the CIA, and he said phone you...
R: Yes sir you would have to send in a resume to the employment office.
VLS: Do you have GCSEs?
R: I have no idea what those are sir.
VLS: They are examinations, I've got one at looking at people through glasses that look backwards and I was also once involved in an incident involving Sir Anthony Blunt and a bubble car and some KY jelly... so would that be enough for the CIA?
R: Er, yes sir...
VLS: Right, I've got a set of I Spy books...?
R: Sir, we don't deal in spy books.
VLS: Oh right, that's alright then, lovely, that's all I wanted to know. Oh before I go, there is one thing I have to say, I have to say something...
R: What is that sir?
VLS: Well, I know you're going to think this sounds utterly ridiculous...
R: Yes sir, go ahead.
VLS: I know you're going to think this sounds utterly ridiculous but... alel blehr leh! Bhurdle addle ep! (a series of nonsense noises which have to be heard to be appreciated)
R: Sir... (hangs up)
VLS: No! No please don't go! I've always thought I had a bit of private dick in me!

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