An amusing song by
Tom Waits and a
mystery guest that I found on
Napster. The scene starts out with a brief dialogue which escalates into a jaunty Christmas tune. Enjoy.
Tom
(Toying with a harmonium)
Well, the carpet has been drinking. Yes, the can opener has been drinking. I see the typewriter has been drinking.
(Sound of doorbell)
The doorbell has been drinking. Well, I'll be. Peter Murphy. Come on in.
Pete
Hello, Tom. How's it going?
Tom
Ah, you know, the usual. I'll tell ya. This lawsuit thing against that drag queen in Georgia is taking forever. What brings ya over here Pete?
Pete>
Well, Tom. Through the night I have been tortured by fever dreams of a lovely and ethereal woman-child perpetually beyond my taunted reach, driving me to the very brink of madness.
Tom
(Grumbling drunkenly)
Hmm, geez. Well, I hope she's stacked. Gee, Pete, I'd offer you a drink, but I've downed the whole thing myself already.
Pete
Then, Tom, for lack of spirits let us toast this cold and empty noel with a song.
Tom
Eh, that's not a bad idea.
(Music begins)
Pete
Oh, give me a noose
I can hang from the tree
I need no excuse
To end my misery
This holiday season
Is all the more reason to die
Tom
Oh pull up a stool
A bit near to a fool
Who once found some solace
In the season of Yule
This holiday season
Is all the more reason to cry
Pete
I put on my mittens
One green and one red
And I walk alone
Where they bury the dead
The snow falls as I breathe
It's a Gothic death rock Christmas Eve
Tom
The bottle is empty
The sleigh has a flat
The stripper in my bed
Is ugly and fat
Her tassels are tangled
And what's worse my jingle won't jangle
Tom & Pete
This time of the year makes me sick to my guts
All this good cheer is a pain in the nuts
Pete
When it's your career to be down in the dumps
Tidings of comfort and joy really suck
Tom
I feel like St. Nicholas is pulling my leg
Pete
This thing we call Christmas is a sorry black plague
Tom & Pete
This holiday season is all the more reason
All the more reason to die
All the more reason to die
All the more reason to…
Die!