To anyone contemplating suicide

I cant even begin to imagine what contemplating suicide might be like for the average person, just the normal, everyday, rational enough, healthy person who might be a little lonely or frustrated or sad. But I do know how it was for me, I do know how it was after a lifetime of mistreatment and neglect and distorted views on life imposed upon me, complete lack of appreciation for anything whatsoever I excelled in, on/off relationships with everybody, utter confusion, a lack of basic knowledge of how to look after myself after never really having been taught, my mother choosing my molesterer over me and my father just plain forgetting about me.. and a mental illness..

and none of the above suggestions would have worked.

I swear to God, there’s nothing you could have told me, no way you could have reached me, if I had decided. In any way, in any manner. Nothing could have touched me. I didn’t care; and I wasn’t in touch with your world at all. How could you bring me anything to make me want to live? You couldn’t. There are some people who are so out of it, so detached and so blank, having lived in such a warped environment that the only thing you can do if you want to save them from possible suicide, is take them by force and get them helped. Monitor the poor little dear because even though I didn’t end up doing it.. that was a decision I made for myself and I am not at all convinced I wont end up doing it some time. The frame of mind it takes to become seriously suicidal is one where no sense of reason can ever pervade. In these times the only thing is to wait it out. Wait for them to become more rational, wait for them to recover, if it’s a prolonged thing. I feel sorry for other people like me, because, I could do it any second and not one of you would have made the effort to make sure I wasn’t going to, despite knowing I had a propensity for it. I wont, though, that’s the thing. I’m not dependent on other people because I have never been able to. So since I am in a more narcissistic mindset I only have myself for support, and its almost like I am split, like there is more of me.. and these.. ‘mores’.. don’t let me die, even when I want to, so I should be grateful, yes?

The point is, if there’s anyone else like me with depression or something else, who is dependent on any other person other than themselves in any way, they might actually do it. And your ideas of ‘writing down what you really want after careful consideration’ are no good at all. Most of the time, the reason these people want to die is because there is nothing they want from life. It is so completely devoid of any type of satisfaction that they cannot strive for anything. And thinking of something to want is hard.

I also know that for me, suicide, although subconsciously planned (it is always being subconsciously planned) will be a completely impulsive thing that I do one morning because I cant imagine another day, here. Pre-emptive suicide is the best, for me :) But for others.. they’ll just up and do it. Only thing I can tell you, if you want to help anybody.. be more perceptive. And if you really care, you need to get them help. A lot of them wont give a fuck that you’re a friendly ear, or a shoulder to cry on, that’s not what they want or need, you can’t touch them - they need actual forceful help. It's not about hope, its not about family or friends or love or dreams.. it's about being ill. This is often hard to detect.

You are severely underestimating yourself, in a variety of ways.

You are underestimating the impact you make on people's lives, and how much pain you will cause by the action: A few days ago, as I was just getting into everything2, I discovered that Hermetic killed himself approximately a year and a month before. I broke down crying for someone I never knew. If you kill yourself, the effects will ripple through all the world.

You are underestimating your own strength and coping abilities: no pain cannot be endured. This is not meant to trivialize what you are going through. I understand that there is emotional pain that consumes everything, and I know that I would not want to endure it. However, your pain is only a feeling, and if you don't give in to it, it will make no difference.

You are underestimating your ability to change: as long as you remain alive your circumstances can change. If you are lucky, this may not require any active attempts on your part. However, if you do make an effort to change things, they surely will. Perhaps not at first, but things will get better.

Finally, you are underestimating your worth as a person: All people are valuable in some respect, and every last one of them is too important to be thrown away. This is the reason that suicide and murder are illegal in the first place. If you sit and think about yourself, and ponder what good qualities you have, you will see that you are too valuable to throw away, no matter the reason.