Smile, Hon, You're in Baltimore!
I am Berhardt Illych Goats. I was born in the Ural Mountains in 1930. My family are believed (by some) to have been gypsies. They were slaughtered in 1937 by German soldiers as we entered Eastern Europe. I was taken in by the captain of those soldiers and things were done to me that changed my fundamental nature.
- Many Awards
- Fully Tenured Professor of Ethics
- Bestselling Author
- Member of the Straight White Men's Cultural Centers of America
- Time travel capabilities
- Author of many scholarly papers on subjects great and small
- Holds rank of Colonel in the War Against the Animals
- Businessman of note
- Former president of Civil War Action Figures, ELLC (Extremely Limited Liability Company)