Death is the last orgasm. (You know how people look sort of happy before they die? Not in movies stupid! You know? They look really happy und stuff. Yeah... That's what I'm talking about. That's right. It.)
That was not what I was thinking when I was born by the way.
Flash forward eight years later. I start remembering things. Wait, no I don't. Those things I have forgotten. Two years later, I start remembering things that I remember now, not three years before now. (It's okay, you don't have to read this.)
Another three years, yay, I'm thirteen. Whatever.
Another year. Great fourteen. Life is just slow dying. It never seems to stop. To end. I wish to have have my last orgasm, dammit.
Another. Everyone should just die.
Another, and another.
I see people. I see me mutilating them. I see me gutting out a knife from me and rip out them. I see death everywhere.
I wish to kill everybody.
But before that, I wish to kill me.
I contemplate suicide every minute. I see me see the world through different eyes. Every time I think, I think of me thinking, and think how pathetic I am for being me. For existing as me.
Life just doesn't have meaning anymore. You wake up, drugged from sleep, wanting more of that sweet, sweet substance, but forcing yourself to let it go. "I don't need to sleep anymore. I've things to do, places to be (what things? what places?)."
I walk around in a daze, looking at myself walking around in a daze and cruelly laughing at myself. I meet the same people everyday. People I don't recognize, people I feel I have no connection with. They are so far away from me. So very far away. It's like there is a mirror between me and this world that my body supposedly is in.
I contemplate about suicide all the time.
But I keep putting it off. Maybe it won't be so bad today. Maybe something will change. Maybe... maybe I won't have to choose suicide, maybe death will come to me. I would certainly embrace it. Like a long lost friend. A friend that I've been wanting to meet ever since we last met.
Revelations:
- There is no one who will listen to me. There will absolutely be noone who will know what I mean, who will listen to me. I will be alone in this cruel world. Seperated by mere inches from happiness and at the same time, by a universe. No one will ever see the world from my point of view. No one will see it through my eyes.
- Putting a node up is like standing in front of a pack of wolves and taunting them. You definitely know what's going to happen next after you do it more than once and you definitely don't want to do it more than once ever. Also, you're left a broken SHELL.
Reminders:
- Before the birthday, cease your life. Update: Do it before July, a month earlier wouldn't hurt. Got to work up the old courage y'know...
-
Be really cruel next week. Also bitch a lot. You can bet that will be entertaining to all.
Don't dance. Dancing is bad. Remember that time when you danced and everyone laughed at you? What? You don't? It's a repressed memory. You stupid, vulnerable inhuman,
Also, hate commas. No scratch that.
Everything is weirdly entertaining. In a weird way. Now that school's out, come here often.
Also, use BAD grammar. That'll piss off all those grammar Nazis. Do it so often it'll annoy you. Umm.. maybe. Also spellig.
Languages are interesting. Especially computer. Too bad all those people who write them do is advocate them. They should do nifty stuff with them. Liek moving the moon closer so all those romantic nights under the star-lit sky don't go to waste.
Mmmm... post romantic-nights-under-the-star-lit-sky...
Also, hate repetition, hate them like the plague that they are.
Also, learn new languages. Human ones. French, Japanese, and something else. Hopefully in that order. Think twice about Kanji though.