So there I was, sitting around with my fictional wife when an idea occurred to me. She’s always been a hard one to buy things for, especially around Christmas and since we’re both in our early to mid 50’s I thought it’d be a great idea for us to travel back in time. And then it came to me and I popped the question “Hey honey, how’d you like to be 18 again?”
I can still recall the look in her eyes when she heard those words. You could almost see her face dissolve into the memories we’d shared over the years.
”Oh honey, that would be so nice. I’d love to able to redo some of things we did when we were so much younger. In fact, I’d also like to undo some of them too.”
So, in an effort try and please the fictional love of my life I tried come up with some ideas that would transport us back to the days of our youth. It was the time before the kids had arrived and we were free to follow our hearts to wherever they might take us. With that in mind, I decided to do some research on the good old internet to discover ways about just how it feels to be 18 again.
Apparently 18 Again is some kind of magic elixir developed over in India with the express purpose of tightening up a loose vagina and masking any “foul odours” (their words, not mine) that might be emanating from down under. Intrigued, I clicked on their website where I read testimonials from all over the globe about the wonders of this cream and how it saved people’s lives. From there I went to the FAQ’s page. After all, testimonials are a dime a dozen and I wanted to hear the real deal when it comes to restoring a loose vagina.
In a nutshell, 18 Again will rejuvenate a vagina that is in some state of disrepair after years of heavy use. By doing so, the product claims it provides “true women empowerment.” Ladies, just let me state that if you think that "empowerment" comes with the fact that you have a tight vagina, you've got other issues to deal with as well.
As I scrolled down the list I found out that 18 Again is a secret combination of a bunch of stuff I never heard of with exotic sounding names such as Centella, Asiatica, Woodfordia, Floribunda – (no wonder we’ve never seen her!), Punica and Granatum. I was a bit confused but then I read it also included other ingredients that were more familiar to me. They included Almonds, alum, aloe vera, Vitamin E and, believe it or not, gold!
It then went on to try and tell me how to determine if ones vagina was loose in the first place that involved the use of fingers and squeezing of certain muscles and how to apply the ointment to get the best results. Just in case you were wondering, the process doesn’t work overnight. It takes anywhere between 8 to 10 weeks before you start feeling like your 18 year old self again.
From there, I pretty much gave up. The list of FAQ’s (replete with dubious sounding typo’s and grammar) goes on and on and I tried to take a mental picture of my fictional wife trying to figure all of that stuff out. Besides, I don't think that's what either of us had in mind in the first place.
So tonight, I’m gonna go home, give my fictional wife a peck on the cheek and crack open a bottle of wine. We'll have a nice homemade dinner and I’ll try to remind her that 18 wasn’t all that it was cracked up to be and that we’d probably romanticized those years to the point where they turned into a bit of fiction. Then, I’m gonna turn down the lights, put on the song Just the Way You Are by Billy Joel and slow dance around the living room with just the two of us.
After that, if all goes according to plan, we're gonna head upstairs and I’m gonna get me a little of that sumpthin’ sumpthin’ that I’ve grown to love even more despite all the years in between.