It came when I suddenly realized that I had lost absolutely everything. I had lost my best friend of a year and a half. I had lost the working relationships that I had with countless other friends because of dealings with this best friend. I had strained the relationship between myself and our mutual best friend, putting him in a position to choose who to be with, whether or not either one of us put it into words. I had alienated myself from the circle of people that I loved so dearly. I would no longer be there for all the inside jokes, the good times, the wonderful company, excellent conversation, or infinite sadness that we all shared. I would be there for none of it. I had all but been thrown out of my second home, and I could never go back. Because you can never go back.

Calmness descended on me when I thought about all of this in its entirety. A sort of hopeless sadness that was so heavy that it smothered all other emotions and reflexes that I had at that moment. All I could do was cry to try to cough the feeling out. To try to ease some of the pressure off of my aching heart.

I just want it back. I want to see my friends; I want to see my best friend. I want everything to go back to how it was.

I want a different kind of calm than this.

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