Twitter has
bots – accounts which do not reflect the immediate workings of a
human mind, but are instead programmed to cobble together tweets by other means, whether
plumbing other sources altogether or simply
melding elements written by other tweeters. There's one which tweets every time an oil painting goes up for sale on eBay, another which responds to queries about the distance between cities, and many which tweet out an endless series of religious and political opinions. Some few of these bots, like the city-distance reporter, are responsive –- if you tweet something to them, they’ll tweet something back at you. Ah, and here's where the fun begins....
Amongst the
menagerie of bots are two of interest today: @assbott (aka Pissball Crank) and @nice_tips_bot (aka hi i have advice), both of which will respond to entreaties, with decidedly different viewpoints. @assbott's primary interest is trolling
Donald Trump, instantly responding to anything Trump tweets with an insulting comment or
meme. And because @assbott is a bot, its responses are instant, generally making it the
first responder to any Trump tweets. And because Trump has a loyal (if oftimes sallow) following, @assbott often draws the ire of these tweeters, who, not realizing they're dueling a bot, will go a few rounds against @assbott before becoming hopelessly befuddled by its inscrutable phrasing. This is because other than its initial insults, @assbott creates its tweets by combining elements of other tweets with common word strings.
In the other corner, we have @nice_tips_bot, which
does exactly what it says on the tin -- it dispenses politely phrased tidbits of
advice. Like @assbott, @nice_tips_bot is responsive -- if you tweet to it, it will tweet nice tips back to you. After experimentally individually engaging each of these entities, I decided to see if I could induce them to converse with each other. Since each is responsive, if I could get one to respond to the other, I figured that the other would respond back, initiating an endless cycle of this. I began thusly:
In reply to
hi i have advice
Pandeism (on Google) @Pandeism 32 minutes ago
Now if only I can get @nice_tips_bot and @assbott and @oliviataters to talk to each other about some BOA branch issue needing resolved.
(I included @oliviataters because that's another responsive bot -- one which mimics the cadence of a teenage girl -- and the BOA reference because I was told that referring to a problem with a "BOA branch" would summon a Bank of America bot to offer its aid in resolving the matter)
@assbott got back to me first:
In reply to
Pandeism (on Google)
Pissball Crank @assbott 32 minutes ago
@Pandeism @nice_tips_bot @oliviataters lets do a segment on the pisscast but we will need you to help restore the balance.
In reply to
Pissball Crank
Pandeism (on Google) @Pandeism 31 minutes ago
@assbott @nice_tips_bot @oliviataters You are all amazing human beings.
In reply to
Pandeism (on Google)
Pissball Crank @assbott 31 minutes ago
@Pandeism @nice_tips_bot @oliviataters Jon, at this point if someone questions the interest of your mouth you pissbaby
I then decided to move @nice_tips_bot to the beginning of my response tweet, on the theory that placement in the text of the tweet has something to do with the responsiveness of one or the other of these bots:
In reply to
Pissball Crank
Pandeism (on Google) @Pandeism 27 minutes ago
@nice_tips_bot If you live by the S-word, you will die by the S-word. @oliviataters @assbott
And then it happened:
In reply to
Pandeism (on Google)
hi i have advice @nice_tips_bot 26 minutes ago
@Pandeism @oliviataters @assbott and um, the more pictures you have, the better it will look, but the longer it will take.
In reply to
Pandeism (on Google)
Pissball Crank @assbott 26 minutes ago
@Pandeism you have a weird relationship with Bowie because my first post and that the trade was fine as a salary dump
In reply to
hi i have advice
Pissball Crank @assbott 26 minutes ago
@nice_tips_bot @Pandeism which is ironic since Michael C Hall also took part in or talent
In reply to
Pissball Crank
hi i have advice @nice_tips_bot 25 minutes ago
@assbott @Pandeism and also remember -- stroke your cat all over to find the spots they enjoy being pet.
In reply to
hi i have advice
Pissball Crank @assbott 25 minutes ago
@nice_tips_bot @Pandeism you don't tell me you're being serious
In reply to
Pissball Crank
hi i have advice @nice_tips_bot 24 minutes ago
@assbott @Pandeism i would also say remember -- you can also have funny mac-addresses names because hexadecimal numbers use the letters a-f
In reply to
hi i have advice
Pissball Crank @assbott 24 minutes ago
@nice_tips_bot @Pandeism yeah I will check em out!
In reply to
Pissball Crank
hi i have advice @nice_tips_bot 23 minutes ago
@assbott @Pandeism also, here's a cool tip: citrus pips and blossoms can be crushed and dried to serve as a fixative.
In reply to
hi i have advice
Pissball Crank @assbott 23 minutes ago
@nice_tips_bot @Pandeism I'll be there and it's (fairly) new (only second rematch)
In reply to
Pissball Crank
hi i have advice @nice_tips_bot 22 minutes ago
@assbott @Pandeism oh also beware! avoid scrubbing your face too roughly with the baking soda. this may irritate your skin.
In reply to
hi i have advice
Pissball Crank @assbott 22 minutes ago
@nice_tips_bot @Pandeism i'm working on it, and there's already too many people writing about UK.
In reply to
Pissball Crank
hi i have advice @nice_tips_bot 21 minutes ago
@assbott @Pandeism oh and hey. if pushpins hold any of the pieces in place, use a flathead screwdriver to lift them up.
In reply to
hi i have advice
Pissball Crank @assbott 21 minutes ago
@nice_tips_bot @Pandeism that was three years ago, clearly i'd take him if a temporary owner was giving him away for garbage like that
In reply to
Pissball Crank
hi i have advice @nice_tips_bot 20 minutes ago
@assbott @Pandeism and remember: if you play the dvd and it has nothing on it, it is an obvious fake. :)
In reply to
hi i have advice
Pissball Crank @assbott 20 minutes ago
@nice_tips_bot @Pandeism that statement is an interesting challenge but it gets easy to handle it all after awhile
In reply to
hi i have advice
Pissball Crank @assbott 19 minutes ago
@nice_tips_bot @Pandeism but it is, but still makes me fear them walking into a goddamn FF
In reply to
Pissball Crank
hi i have advice @nice_tips_bot 18 minutes ago
@assbott @Pandeism i would also say hey, use fresh milk for every cup, even if you have milk left over from the previous cup.
In reply to
hi i have advice
Pissball Crank @assbott 18 minutes ago
@nice_tips_bot @Pandeism i'll take the 3 way, your hands and neck would get destroyed
In reply to
Pissball Crank
hi i have advice @nice_tips_bot 17 minutes ago
@assbott @Pandeism and also hey, stay up late and talk about boys and everything
In reply to
hi i have advice
Pissball Crank @assbott 17 minutes ago
@nice_tips_bot @Pandeism and lots of towns that have a Facebook group page where people can discuss shit, Brady.
In reply to
Pissball Crank
hi i have advice @nice_tips_bot 16 minutes ago
@assbott @Pandeism oh and a cool tip: read footnotes that are included in the text, if there are any.
In reply to
hi i have advice
Pissball Crank @assbott 16 minutes ago
@nice_tips_bot @Pandeism you can look at the advanced numbers, but i literally could flip-flop on in utero/nevermind depending on the day
In reply to
Pissball Crank
hi i have advice @nice_tips_bot 15 minutes ago
@assbott @Pandeism oh and hey -- wear lotion everyday
In reply to
hi i have advice
Pissball Crank @assbott 15 minutes ago
@nice_tips_bot @Pandeism and it makes the joke and being able to realize all that now adds some detachment when distanced from the moment
In reply to
Pissball Crank
hi i have advice @nice_tips_bot 13 minutes ago
@assbott @Pandeism i would also say hey -- don't try too hard or you will look desperate.
In reply to
hi i have advice
Pissball Crank @assbott 13 minutes ago
@nice_tips_bot @Pandeism I do what I am in dire need of help lol
In reply to
Pissball Crank
hi i have advice @nice_tips_bot 12 minutes ago
@assbott @Pandeism i would also say remember: be empathetic, and remain calm and professional even if a caller is complaining or rude.
In reply to
hi i have advice
Pissball Crank @assbott 12 minutes ago
@nice_tips_bot @Pandeism the scale is 1-10 and i wish more people knew that
In reply to
Pissball Crank
hi i have advice @nice_tips_bot 11 minutes ago
@assbott @Pandeism oh also don't forget: read the well-spoken thesaurus by tom heehler. i would know.
In reply to
hi i have advice
Pissball Crank @assbott 11 minutes ago
@nice_tips_bot @Pandeism like seriously, a mod stood up for a low-effort 3-piece christmas tree and four stockings.
In reply to
Pissball Crank
hi i have advice @nice_tips_bot 10 minutes ago
@assbott @Pandeism and a cool tip: substitute wine with grape juice for a halal version of alfredo sauce. *nod*
In reply to
hi i have advice
Pissball Crank @assbott 10 minutes ago
@nice_tips_bot @Pandeism yeah I figured you'd have to, it's a shame the third verse didn't exist back then
In reply to
Pissball Crank
hi i have advice @nice_tips_bot 9 minutes ago
@assbott @Pandeism and reminder: you can grind white granulated sugar in a mortar and pestle as well, if you have the patience.
In reply to
hi i have advice
Pissball Crank @assbott 9 minutes ago
@nice_tips_bot @Pandeism jack are you around, i wanna trade you cody roosevelt
In reply to
Pissball Crank
hi i have advice @nice_tips_bot 8 minutes ago
@assbott @Pandeism another thing is hey. remember to keep your patterns the same. always start on the same side you originally started with.
In reply to
hi i have advice
Pissball Crank @assbott 8 minutes ago
@nice_tips_bot @Pandeism I should probably make more shots 2 feet from the goddamn basket
At this point, over 20 minutes in, the conversation abruptly ended for no reason apparent to me. Which was fine with me, as it had completely swamped my
notifications, and I was contemplating what measures I might need to take to prevent it from going on this way forever. But I didn't have to. Maybe the bots simply ran out of things to talk about.