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Lately, I’ve been on the internet just wondering about some old friends that go back twenty and thirty years or so. I spend a lot of time trying to recall the names and faces of the folks that I grew up with and who were responsible for the memories, both good and bad, that seem to dominate my thoughts on a daily basis.

And it makes me wonder what’s become of them and what they’ve done with their lives in comparison to mine and if we share many of the same experiences

So far I haven’t had much luck. I’ve run across a few chat rooms and web pages that specialize in my old stomping grounds and some of the names seem sorta familiar but none jump off the page or make me catch my breath in a gasp of recognition.

And it makes me wonder if anybody out there might be trying to find me and have had the same results.

And it makes me wonder if I’m just a legend in my own mind and that I’ve somehow managed to disappear from the thoughts of others.

And it makes me wonder just how goddamn fuckin’depressing that would be if that were the case ….

She promised she'd be right there with me
When I paint my masterpiece

And it makes me wonder about just how life sure takes some odd twists and turns. I wonder how it can be that one minute I’m living the life of Reilly sucking down Heinekens and ordering my steak rare and the next thing you know I’m living off a steady diet of SPAM and Cheez Doodles and even the cat seems to hide when I come in the door.

And it makes me wonder that while I’m sitting there all by my lonesome trying to pinpoint the exact moment when things took a turn for the worst and I come to the conclusion that there are very few exact moments and that life is more like a series of moments that are welded together by some invisible thread that holds it all together.

And it makes me wonder if it was in my destiny, albeit unintentionally, to piss away some of the best things that ever happened to me.

And it makes me wonder if I could just go back and right some wrongs that maybe I’d be lounging behind a white picket fence instead of wondering where I’m gonna park my carcass for the next couple of years.

Someday, life will be sweet like a rhapsody
When I paint my masterpiece

But, with or without me, life moves on and I come to realize that I’d better board that train ‘cuz it’s leaving the station and doesn’t care if I have a ticket or not.

And it makes me wonder about just who I’ll meet along the way if I’m even lucky enough to muster up that courage to take that ride.

And it makes me wonder that as I sit there glancing out the window of life’s little journey where all my choices went and I think to myself that there might not have been that many to begin with and that little sentiment leaves me feeling like shit until I realize that there are plenty of things left to choose from if I’m just smart enough to recognize them.

Someday, everything is gonna be diff'rent
When I paint my masterpiece

And it makes me wonder that if in sometime in the not too distant future I’ll reacquaint myself with my past.

And it makes me wonder just how my past and my future are intertwined and how they’ll be able reconcile themselves.

And it makes me wonder if it’s not time to go to bed and get these foolish thoughts out of my head or to just bury them away with so many other good intentions that I’ve left by the wayside.

And instead of wondering, I realize it’s time to decide and that things will indeed be different from previous way of thinking and acting.

And it makes me wonder if I’m right and the whole process starts over again…

And it makes me wonder if I’m up for it.

And it makes me wonder that maybe I shouldn’t confuse the feeling of wonder and the feeling of doubt.

Selected song lyrics from Bob Dylan and the fine tune called “When I Paint My Masterpiece”.

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