I am depressed. I have finally said it out loud. It's situational, I know this. It will pass, I know this too. But it still is. I have thought about writing, but just haven't had the head for it. I am hoping writing will alleviate some of the heaviness.
I am also angry at myself. I am angry I can't shake this. I am angry so much feels like it is out of my control. I am angry at myself for another thing I have decided not to go into here but I acknowledge it, and I don't know what to do about it - or if there is anything do do about it.
I am sad. I am so fucking sad. I am sad about a lot of things:
My mother is going to file for divorce. It is a sad and necessary thing. Thirty years together, in what didn't start out as but has become a really bad situation. Narcissists sucks. He is also the most father-like figure I have had in my life, and a lot of who I am I learned from him. But he is still pretty horrible for my mom. What's more, I don't think he even realizes it. However - she can not live married to him anymore. I listen to her process this, since she has no one else to talk to about it yet. It's still in the beginning stages. It is hard to listen - but I play the game well.
Finances are frustrating - mostly because my truck keeps breaking. This is more of an irritation that anything else, but it's still another thing that is out of my control. At least the last break I was able to fix myself. Exhaust systems are pretty straight forward.
My marriage is ....a roller coaster. Don't get me wrong, we love each other very much. But while we are still navigating some huge changes that made my spouse (finally) face the trauma in her life, it is hard. I feel responsible for causing so much pain - and I need to let that shit go. Things were said, choices were made, I have been honest, transparent, and genuine. I need to stay true to myslef.
I need to advocate for myself more effectively. I don't know how to do that without creating a shit storm I simply can not deal with right now.
I lost my special kitty. My familiar, if you will. My little Void kitten home office CEO. It was several weeks ago. He was only five and a half. Heart failure. Super sudden and unexpected. There is such a huge, awful hole in my heart and home. I feel like a piece of my soul left with him. I keep having dreams about him where I know he shouldn't be there, and it rips me open all over again. I have neve grieved like this for one of my critters. I am trying to let go, but it is so goddamn hard.
Sleep has been a joke. When I finally sleep, my dreams are either anxiety/stress dreams, or awful dreams. I wake up stupid early almost as exhausted as I was when I went to bed.
I feel awful about my body. I need to be more active, but I feel like a goddamn cow. Obviously, there is a solution to this, but that requires motivation.
Something in the last 24 hours changed. I have a couple theories, but don't need to go into them - though they are pretty connected with being angry at myself.
For one - I finally said it. I am depressed. There are tangible things I can do about this that are not drugs or medication. While at the store I got some herb things that are supposed to help with stress, moods, and energy. I also need to detox my body a bit. I have not been drinking enough water, and have been drinking too much coffee. Time to quit for a while. Tomorrow - I start abstaining from caffeine for a bit. I need to eat better. No coffee will lessen my sugar intake significantly. This is not a bad thing. I did not buy any unnecessary snacks while at the store either.
I need to move more. I need to be more active. My level of activity directly affects my mental health - and can become a downward spiral. It also can be a significant jump start. I started tonight. I took the dog for a walk. Not the longest walk, but a walk. I also went on a two mile hike at work. Tomorrow will be more activities too.
I reached out to my counselor. EVERYONE should have a counselor.
I made myself sit here and write. Perhaps a little vague, but there are reasons, and some shit I am still processing, but I am writing. I am getting it out.
I have actively made changes, sustainable changes. I need to learn to let go of what is not mine to carry. This is a hard lesson...