-- Instinct Theory
- All motivation arises from instincts
- Automatic, involuntary, unlearned behaviors released in response to stimulus
- Homogenous amongst species
My deepest fear is that she would have blamed me.
There were always things in the way. Obstacles, protocol, boundaries, fear. We both put our minds before our hearts because we've both become so good at analyzing and avoiding the danger. Awareness, the double edged sword that can help you avoid the traps and that can also paralyze you.
- Behavior is too flexible to give much credibility to this theory, it doesn't account for much
I just hope both of us can remember that we can't choose to avoid the danger every single time. Or else we just stay at the bottom of the mountain and pretend to be happy in the darkness.
-- Drive Reduction Theory
- Physiological imbalance creates need, leads to a drive to reduce need, return to homeostasis i.e. balance
But god knows how I've fantasized about it, for hours and hours on end. What it
could've been to have crossed that line. To get what I wanted. But I
know myself. It's hard to see through both love and fear to find the
truth unclouded by feelings. It's so easy to be led to irrational behavior by acting in accordance with feelings. But, thing is, the
truth includes people's emotions. They're still part of the equation. It
really is a tightrope act, to try to anticipate what's coming. And it's
easy to be wrong, and for me personally, it's hard to admit to being
wrong. So I'm sorry, for all the love in the world, I'm sorry if I was
wrong. But I can only see what I see. Just like I can only feel what I feel.
And in spite of all my feelings, I couldn't help but to think that being your lover would have been wrong.
-- Arousal Theory
- We're motivated to maintain optimal level of arousal
She told me that she told her husband she didn't want to be a couch
potato, as she was explaining her divorce. She quietly broke my heart
when she told me that. Because I knew that's what I would have wanted
from her. I would constantly be pulling her back into bed. To waste in
the pigsty, without counting the days. I would hate that she didn't want
to sleep in every morning. I would hate that she wouldn't always want
to come back to bed.
Or maybe not. Who knows how I would've been. Or who I would've been.
What I would've wanted, how I would've changed. I have no way of
knowing.
-- Incentive theory
- (self-explanatory)
In the garden of eden, I would not have eaten the apple. I would not have followed Eve down and out of paradise. I would have stayed there. Alone. To be of long dead use to you, and no one.
Although I know (at least in my rational mind) and I understand that paradise will not exterminate depression. We still oscillate, no matter what the script or where on the timeline, we still have our good days and bad days no matter what. Heaven must eventually be left behind. Just like any other person who might come in and out of your life. Just like any other day.
But in the quiet heaven of my mind
(Which was never any less real to me
Than anything that was ever "real")
My heart will always swell for her, will always be tender for her
On the inside
I will always be in love with her
-- Maslow's Heirarchy
- Some needs take precedence over others
I'm just sorry I let things like pride and protocol get in the way of telling you how I feel. And fear. I guess that's the root of it. Fear of rejection, fear of consequences, fear that I'll do something I'll regret, fear that it wouldn't be worth it. Even though I didn't know that would be the case. I didn't even really think it would go wrong. But I still feared it. I'm sorry for that.