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K - By now you've heard that I lost a contract we needed. Carson let me leave early after the news came through. Driving home I took a call from the purchasing manager who rejected my bid. Maybe you won't think this is funny but he wanted my advice. After sharing my thoughts he said he wished he had a job for me.

Lately I've been analyzing our relationship. Something my new materials manager said has me revisiting us. When he told me that I really didn't care what I looked like my feelings were hurt. I guess he meant that as a compliment only I took it the wrong way. Looking back I think we didn't work because neither of us understood what was important to the other person.

I exercise to escape, not because I'm obsessed with my body. For every twenty men with jobs in my field there's a woman with my title. It's stressful, when I'm at work that's all I'm thinking about. There never was anything between me and Carson. You couldn't meet my unexpressed emotional needs and I still crave the comforting reassurance that things are going to be okay despite my mistakes.

Tuesday afternoon I thought Carson was going to fire me. I made it all the way out to my car before I started crying. Carson stopped by with supper and made me eat. We stayed up late talking, he couldn't believe that I thought I was going to lose my job. Talking to him made me realize what you said was true. I am afraid that people will find out how insecure I am. I don't realize my talents and I lash out because I'm scared.

After my first contract went through Carson mentioned that he stood there wondering how I had gained control of his bid without a power struggle. Whether you believe this or not I never view myself as a force to be reckoned with. When you said you wanted a good picture of me I couldn't deliver. It took four years but I finally found one that I think represents the real me.

Wishing you well,

Anita

P.S. Your daughter has your smile. All my best your new family.

A

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