A lion, a bear, and a pig are sitting round discussing which animal they think is the hardest.
"Truly," says the lion, "I am the most ridiculously hard animal ever. I'm king of the jungle for a reason you know. When I roar, people cower before its sound. Therefore I am the hardest animal in creation."
"Bollocks!" shouts the bear. "I'm harder than you, mucker. Your roar? All mouth and no trousers. I can't roar as much but I can tear a freakin' Range Rover apart with my bare claws. That makes me harder than a hoodie's knob upon seeing a 50 Cent video."
"You're both wrong!" snorts the pig. "Wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong. I'm the hardest animal ever!"
"What???!!!" chorus the lion and the bear. "But you're a fat arsed snorter!" says the lion.
"When you roar," the pig says to the lion, "people cower. But when I sneeze," he carries on, "the whole planet shits itself."