On August 3rd, 2015, Marielle Wakim, the deputy editor of Los Angeles Magazine, shared a photo on Instagram of a new product from her local Whole Foods Market: asparagus water. Water with three stalks of asparagus in it, bottled in plastic and being sold for $6. After the photo went viral, Whole Foods explained that the California store implicated in conceiving the asparagus water had actually made the product incorrectly; it was meant to be "water with the essence of vegetables and/or mushrooms to be used as broth (similar to bone broth), which are typically made after a long period of time soaking in water". They thought we were all silly geese for assuming the grocery store chain already implicated in intensely price gouging its customers would do such a thing.

Whole Foods co-CEO John Mackey said that they assembled a crisis team to combat the national outrage the asparagus water caused. He also whined that the "guy who did the pricing" for the product did so on his first day on the job, and that trying to clear Whole Foods' name in the court of public opinion was oh so difficult. Boo hoo. However, he never claimed that the product was never meant to exist or was meant to mimic a vegetable broth in any way, suggesting that perhaps Whole Foods does not disagree with selling asparagus in water as a ready-to-drink product to its customers in principle. Perhaps he even believes that Whole Foods customers are silly enough geese to purchase such a concoction. Though I disagree with it in principle and believe that no one would want to drink water that had gently washed over a few stalks of asparagus, I am not a very silly goose. If you are, here is a recipe for asparagus water for you:

You will need:

  • Three stalks of asparagus
  • 500 mL of water
  • A plastic bottle

Place the stalks of asparagus in the plastic bottle, cutting the stalks to fit if necessary. Fill the bottle with the water.

For the full experience, use the most expensive water and asparagus you can find in order to ensure that the final product has a retail value of $6.

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