"I don't think anything that is natural can be bad for you — it's really good to have at least 15 minutes of sun a day."

- Herself

Gwyneth Paltrow is one of the many nefarious spawns of the cesspit of stupidity that is Hollywood which causes me rage. The fact that she exists is further proof that there is no God, or at least not a loving God.

To be fair, she did one good film (Shakespeare in Love). The rest of her oeuvre is basically typical Hollywood lowbrow arseleavings and obvious money spinners. She also is, as a result of this, giga-rich, and married that beardy cunt from Coldplay, which, given that he is probably the most boring member of the most boring band of all time, is a fitting punishment (conscious uncoupling notwithstanding). They have two children, named Apple and Moses, which quite frankly constitutes child abuse in my book because when I was at school being called something "cre8tive" like that was sufficient justification for getting the shite kicked out of you at least thrice daily. However, that is not the reason why Paltrow is so disturbing to my demeanour.

The reason for that is that she spends all her time trying to pose as an ordinary person and crowing about how hard her life is, yet given the above (giga-richness, husband in chart-topping band, etc.) she wouldn't know hard work if it bit her bony behind.

Then there's the constant shilling she does for pseudoscience and woo. She runs this ridiculous webshite named "Goop" which shills for overpriced and pointless tat. She "goops" about it, which is like blogging I assume only more self-indulgent, where "it" are things such as vaginal steaming, detox body brushes, crystals that will recalibrate your qi or whatever they are supposed to do, or organic weave your own muesli dinners which, naturally, cost vast sums. Goop has its own shop, also named Goop, where you can buy, at the time of writing, a turtleneck sweater for $1,297. No, that's not a typo. That is the current cost of "The Tesla Turtleneck" by a "Spencer Vladimir." And no, it doesn't give you the ability to fire lightning bolts out your fingertips, which I. is a pity, II. would be a real USP, and III. would actually be worth $1,297.

But back to the woo. She's a great fan of all things integrative medicine. This is what alternative medicine likes to rebrand itself. The only thing integrative about integrative medicine, is that it integrates your money into the pockets of woo peddlers and Gwyneth herself. As the great Tim Minchin said, "you know what they call alternative medicine that works? Medicine." Currently she shills for a Dr Leo Galland who writes frothy articles on her site about allergies and plugs his book hard thereon. There's also bollocks on "moving negative energy" and how this is essential for the survival of all life on earth. And this is before we get into how she reckons that water has feelings. No, this isn't homeopathy. It's something even more nuts. She actually believes that if you say nice things to water, its crystal structure changes accordingly. Yes. This is what Gwyneth Paltrow actually believes.

I sometimes wonder if she does actually believe all this stuff she peddles, though, or whether her coming out with gems like, "I would rather die than let my kid eat Cup-a-Soup," is just virtue signalling to the yummy mummy crowd so they'll buy the overpriced shite she endorses. Or maybe she's just cynically doing it for the money. Either way, when people like her shill for woo and stuff that doesn't work and push an idea of "natural = good, artificial = bad" in such an uncritical manner, it turns people away from things that do work and are effective. There's a reason that one one of the sites critical of the anti-vaxx movement is called the Jenny McCarthy Body Count. And also the idea that you can look like Gwyneth Paltrow just by following a fad diet she's had put in a crap magazine is infinitely appealing, albeit highly dishonest, because the chances are, you have to work for a living while Gwyneth Paltrow is a rich idiot with no day job who can afford to spend all day titivating herself.

And I don't think she's that good looking either. She looks like a skeleton with a turkey-wattled neck. Between that, the fact that she looks like a good feed would kill her, and the grimace that is permanently plastered across her mush, as if someone's surgically implanted a bungee cord into her face with the ends hooked into each cheek and the middle wrapped round her skull, she looks supercilious and vapid, as if she's constantly thinking, "I am considerably richer than you."

A bit like her stupid lifestyle blog, really. Personally, I'm kinda hoping that Apple and Moses grow up, do chemistry degrees, and then get jobs with Monsanto because the salt that would emerge from her and her alt-med quacky-duck mates would put a Soviet penal labour colony to shame.

Also, she can't act.


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