I am an angry person. I do not like admitting this about myself, but it is true, and I enjoy being honest with myself as well as other people. I've been getting along with my mom better. I'm not sure what, if anything changed. Perhaps it was that both of us have made more of an effort recently. She invited me to accompany the rest of the family on vacation, my brother chose a place, I was exhausted from the stress of the past week, but I had told my mother that I would go, and I like the idea that I am a trustworthy person who keeps their word. I went to the store, bought some treats and snacks, and hit the road without much enthusiasm.
When I arrived people were congregating in the dining area. I sat down, tired from the drive. People asked how I was and I admitted that I was cranky and irritable. Right away my mom made a comment, but I let it ride, and then she left. Two of my sisters were sitting there, the conversation turned to the condo sale not going through. We discussed child support, and one of my sisters said something that was really annoying. Another person joined the conversation, then she left with her son. We made our way over to the pool/hot tub area. My mom said she would rub my back, and I really appreciated the fact that she did. I was glad I had made what seemed like an extraordinary effort to drive not quite two hours to be with my family.
I swam with my sister and two of my nieces. It was fun to play with them in the water and sing songs. We invited my other sister, but she said she hadn't brought a suit. This annoyed me and then I was irritated at myself for being annoyed. Why did I care? The day went on, I took a niece of mine and the dog for a walk, that helped. When I came back, people were playing games in the back yard. I joined, and soon I found myself in a better mood than I had been until my sister started making rules about the boundaries. I said we should just volley and not keep score. She is very competitive, I am too, as we played I found myself picking up her sarcastic comments and firing them back at her. I didn't want to be doing this, and then I was angry about that.
My mom said that she needed some water. I went in to get some too. When we came back out, she had water for me. I declined, but thanked her. When we switched teams around, we were together. My sister left to go put chicken in the crock pot. A niece of mine joined us, and my sister said something that I have since forgotten. All of a sudden my ankle started throbbing, probably due to the fact that I sit the majority of the time, and had gone swimming, walking, and been outside barefoot chasing after the birdie with my racquet, something I had not done in years. I left to go back into the house, and tried to prop up my left leg.
My sister made a comment about my ankle and then I was annoyed since it seemed like she was more concerned by whether or not I had left her eleven year old outside by herself than my swollen and painful ankle. She worries about people interacting with her children, I feel like she's so concerned and absorbed by herself, what she wants, and her children, that she doesn't really have anything left over to give to anyone else. Sometimes she goes through the motions, she told me she felt bad that the condo deal had fallen through, but even then she tried to sell me on it not being that bad, and shared her tales of woe about the time they had tried to buy a house, which they eventually did.
What tipped the scales for me is incredibly stupid, and I am embarrassed to write this. My mom and middle sister have been riding their bikes to and from work. This is admirable, and I could probably do this too, but I work a considerably further distance, and it would require riding along the highway, or very curvy backroads. Yes, I could do it, no, I'm not going to risk life and limb in this manner, call me what you will. During her lunch break my mom walks around the river trail. She likes to listen to the Bible on CD, but her portable CD player broke (imagine that new fangled device dying on her!), so she has been using her phone instead.
My sister suggested that my mom listen to podcasts while riding her bike. I protested and said it was dangerous to block out sounds like that, there may be a law against it, I'm not sure, I know others who listen to things while riding, but I feel that this is unsafe. The conversation turned to podcasts, and I said that I was not a podcast person, preferring to listen to audiobooks instead. Then my sister said that I probably did like podcasts, I just hadn't found the right one. This is when my reaction was out of proportion to the comment, and I felt a surge of fury run through me. My sister's point was that I liked learning, and at the time I wanted to rail at her, listening to books is also (theoretically) educational, and even if I was listening to drivel, so what?
Why write about this? I'm trying to figure out why that particular comment set me off the way that it did. I think it was because she spoke with authority when she had none. I have tried listening to podcasts. A lot of my friends have suggested I listen to this or that, for a while I listened to one before I went to bed, but it was a short lived habit. Most pocasts ramble too much for my taste. There are very good ones out there. I have been a guest on several podcasts, and have nothing against them in general, other than I can't really get into most of them the way that I can with audiobooks. Maybe I felt that my sister was implying that I needed more learning in my life, and she might be right. Perhaps she didn't mean that at all.
My point is that I was out of control angry and that ruined the day for me. I went back into the house, played cards for a while, then my two year old niece had an accident, and her mom and I cleaned up her wet clothing and the area where the incident had occurred. By the time I returned the card game had more players, and I had lost any enthusiasm for playing. I told people I was going to get going, my mom was disappointed, but I was so mad I had to get out of there. My sister ran into the other room to get her camera. I loathe having my picture taken, it feels like a form of control to me, I'm not photogenic except in rare circumstances, and the last thing I wanted was a permanent record of my resting bitch face from the 2018 family vacation.
When I told my mom that I didn't want to be in pictures she suggested we take a selfie. I told her I didn't want to be in pictures, and I acknowledge that I could have been much more gracious than I was. The place bothered me. There was a riot of things everywhere, it was dark, I didn't think it was very clean, and it was not at all restful or relaxing. Some of the things felt downright creepy, there was an impressive collection of animal heads throughout the place, there was a metal band of musician sculptures in a garden area between garish outdoor curtains, I wanted out and I needed to leave. My mom thanked me for coming, and I left as though I could not get out of there fast enough which is the truth.
Family vacations have bothered me ever since I was a child. I have very few good memories of them. I was often allergic to things and had to stay with others. Now I have food allergies and can't eat anything other people are having with minor unimportant exceptions. It feels like an unhealthy collection of cheap foods, constant noise, there was a blaring jukebox with music none of us liked, and I didn't have a place where I could just chill out for a while. I had not had a great week, and I have problems with my mom, my sister, and the two of them together pushed me over the edge. This is what they wanted, and it feels as if they always get their way while I almost never do.
I almost made the mistake of riding up with someone else, and maybe it would have been better if I had. But I'm so glad I was able to leave when I did. I started a new audiobook about self discipline on the way home. I needed that. I started with one on being an introvert, but I didn't care for it so I put it back in the case and found one I preferred. My internet service was unavailable for a while, fortunately I vividly remembered most of the landscape I had driven by earlier, and when I reached a three way split in the road, I had service just in the nick of time. I came home and laid down for a while, still annoyed by my sister's suggestion that I take a power nap.
One of the things that makes sales people successful is being able to place yourself in the shoes of another. My sister wanted me to stay there for some reason. She and my mom both like it when the family is all together, even if we aren't really getting along. There are very few sacred cows in my life, and I generally do not like or respect them in the lives of other people either. Most of the time I think traditions are foolish, sometimes I go along with them, but I typically don't have a problem with skipping anything that feels like we are doing something just because we have done it before. I celebrate Christmas, but never put up a tree or decorate because I do not believe in the commercialization of the holiday, and if that makes me a Scrooge, then so be it.
My sister tried to sell a power nap to me, but there was a benefit to her, and a lot of people are able to see through things like that. It felt inauthentic, controlling, and since I don't trust her to put my needs ahead of her wants, I declined her generous offer. I'm sure she's upset, and part of me does feel bad about this, but another part is glad that I did not allow anyone to manipulate me into a power nap, or other ploy to try and get me to stay longer. I am missing my youngest sister and brother, part of me does wish that I had stayed, but for my own emotional health, I had to get out of there. Maybe next time I can take a short drive and return, but honestly, I was exhausted, and maybe should not have gone in the first place.
My idea of a really cool vacation is some sort of retreat where we each stay in huts, or lovely rooms, and have a nice schedule of massages, delicious and nutritious foods brought to us, or served in delightfully relaxing circumstances. Everything is simple, minimal, and there is absolutely no junk food, soda, alcoholic beverages, or stress about how to feed a crowd inexpensively. I am a vacation snob and people can look down on that if they would like. I sleep on the floor every single night, we almost never go out to eat, and when we do, I do not feel good before, during, or after the event. I'm supposed to pack all sorts of food, twist myself into a pretzel, and do things I don't want to so they can have a family that is altogether despite anger and quarrels? No thank you.
It's late, I'm tired, and I acknowledge and own my role in this. I think next time I will plan the vacation I really want, my mom made a great effort to try and find something that she thought I would like, and I appreciate the fact that we were not camping with a day of hiking and campfire food. My parents did not let me rest when I needed it, I have been on hikes where the pace was too fast for me, I feel trapped by past and current issues, so being able to leave when I need to is critical for my overall wellbeing. This is where I am at, I am not going to examine their role in it, but I do feel as if I am owed an apology for some of the things my sister said that hurt my feelings. I felt disrespected and invalidated, but I can let go. I had some fun too, and that's what I'm going to remember.
Xoxo,
J
P.S. Despite how immature I was at times, I'm proud of myself for making the effort. I almost never go on these family trips, and there were many high points today. I think the key for me is to keep it shorter and sweeter, I stayed too long, and that's on me. I didn't challenge some hurtful things, next time I will be more mindful and try to use humor or another deflector. I'm learning, but I still have a long way to go. Thankfully I am now too tired to be angry. I dislike writing about things like this, but better out than in so here we are as they say these days.
P.P.S. On my way home I thought about writing more on footwear. I'd like to write a book about it someday so Footwear That Fits - Lesson One was a way to start. I probably could have put more time and effort into planning it, but I took immediate action instead, and I think sometimes just starting is better than interminable planning.
j