We've been friends for almost a decade now. When we first met he was down in Australia, going to school I think. I still remember the conversation although the details have faded. There was a woman and I'm sure you can probably already see where this is going. He wanted my advice so I gave it to him. I had forgotten about that chat, I had forgotten about him. Periodically he would send me a Facebook message. I remember seeing it and responding, I made a joke about getting back to him in a timely fashion, it had been two years since he had reached out, I thought he might be angry, but we picked back up where we had left off. He challenges me the way I challenged him when he was doing the whole drunken college student thing. I told him he was better than that, I was angry with him, I felt bad for her. Since then the tables have turned. Now he's telling me not to be afraid of my dreams. I love him. I hate him. I need people like this in my life and I'm grateful he kept the door open when he could have let it slam shut.
***
After I got divorced we went out for a while. He was interesting to talk to, we could sit on the phone for hours and often did. I made fun of his political science degree because I was envious. I forgot what his other major was, broadcasting I think. He has an incredible voice. He's a good looking guy. Tall, with Nordic blond hair and sky blue eyes. He loves his dogs, one of them just had a second ACL surgery. We met on Twitter. A girlfriend of mine is a huge Reds fan. She's introduced me to a lot of other really interesting and cool people. Her heart is so big I wonder how it fits inside of her chest. When I first met her she was single. Now she has a guy who takes her to sporting events and buys her Mountain Dew slushies. She loves horses, dogs, and spends more money on her animals than she does on herself. I broke up with him on his birthday. He wouldn't tell me when it was, we fought about it. He was too busy to talk on Tuesdays. I told him he was too busy for a girlfriend and let the door close. He reached out after he found out I had been in the hospital. Would I slam the door on someone who saved my life one dark night in December? Hopefully I have more sense than that.
***
We went out when I was sixteen. Our parents were friends, there was a group of families that hung out together. That summer we went on vacation together. It was me and him and my younger sister was kissing his brother, I had no idea what I was doing, I just let myself feel and didn't think about things too much. I wondered what he saw in me, he borrowed my toothbrush, smiling at me with a mouth that tasted minty when we kissed. We still have a connection, but now he's married so I don't go there. But I think about him and wonder what could have been. I cut ties, he was older than I was, he was very serious about his education. I was angry and I took him and his love for granted. Listening to him talk brings back all sorts of memories. He's an engineer that just got a smart phone, he works hard, but he doesn't have a lot of joy in his life. I remember hearing that his uncle committed suicide. I don't think he ever would, but I sense that he's depressed. I feel bad for him. He's a thinker, his wife likes to do things. I know what that can be like. The door is open, but he'll never knock.
***
After I was released from the hospital I told my Twitter friends where I had been. Several of them had reached out, you lose access to your phone when you're in the psych ward. I could look at it, but not use it. He sent me a message offering me support. I didn't know what to think and told him that. He was so kind to me. I hope I always remember how selflessly he gave me during that time of my life. Things got better, he got things. I didn't have to explain anything to him. Whatever ugly, raw, bitter, hostile, terrified, unhinged thoughts I threw at him, he rolled with them. One day I sent a song to him for no real reason other than I was thinking about him. When he asked what it meant I told him I didn't really know, but it had felt right. If he didn't get it, he didn't worry about it. We had this back and forth thing for a while, I had liked him for a long time. He was not just good looking, he had a beautiful mind. He didn't share a lot with me at first and I understood why. We had planned on meeting in person before the car accident. After that I saw what it looked like when a real man stands up for a woman he cares about. He was furious with my ex and shredded him in two or three pointed and cutting sentences. I loved him and I was in love with him, but the writing was on the wall. I will never slam the door on him.
***
I met him when I went through my bar phase. The girls had spilled water on my computer so I had to go somewhere else to watch baseball. We got to talking, most of the time I want to be left alone when I'm watching the game. I really am interested in what's happening, but there were commercial breaks and he was interesting. I saw the scarring on his hand and arm that he had gotten when caustic chemicals burned him during his stint at Starbucks. I can no longer remember what he's going to grad school for and I felt bad about that. I liked him, but as soon as he mentioned that he loved Star Trek, Star Wars, and other science fiction, I was done. I still talked to him, he still made sure that I got what I wanted when I went in, every once in a while he could talk me into an alcoholic drink, but not very often. I got to know the other regulars and became a regular myself. Sometimes I still want to go back to that place. I met a guy that had asked me out there. We sat out on the deck looking over the lake eating chips and salsa, I had a martini and he was drinking something else. I told him I didn't want to be kissed because I had terrible food allergies. He didn't listen. That night I got sick.
***
He lived in Canada and told me about his friend who needed a heart transplant. When I found out how old he was I asked if his parents knew what he was doing and who he was talking to that late at night. He had trouble with his girlfriend, I wasn't sure why he was talking to me until another friend of mine said he probably felt like an older woman would have some advice for him. Considering I was in a rotten marriage at the time and had never really felt comfortable doing the whole dating thing I was pretty sure this kid wasn't really interested in what I had to say, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt and tried to be nice to him. He never crossed any lines. He called me Miss as if I wasn't married, he was a cool guy and I'm sad we lost touch. He was searching, I was someone who was willing to listen. He told me what his life was like and then I felt bad for him. He wanted to be loved, his girlfriend didn't love him, it took me about two seconds to figure that out, but he wanted to pretend she returned his affections. I've leared a lot since then. If I had a way to reach out to him, I don't know what I would say.
***
He was a right handed pitcher who wanted footwear advice. I had heard some of the details of his life, how he lost time after having Tommy John surgery, he told me about his job, his brother, his parents, school, that sort of thing. I was always professional, I let him talk and tell me whatever he wanted to share. One night, I think I had reached out since I hadn't heard from him in a while. I like to keep tabs on people who are important to me. Maybe he was busy, I was just trying to keep the lines of communication open. He dumped everything. His best friend slept with his girlfriend after prom. I listened to the facts and thought that suddenly he made a lot more sense than he did. We were closer after that. Periodically one or the other of us would reach out. I got divorced and he said he was sorry to hear that. I told him it wasn't his fault, then it was his turn to listen to me sobbing into his shoulder. One night he asked if I wanted to see pictures. I played stupid and asked what he wanted to show me hoping he would get the hint. I was not happy when I realized what he wanted from me. I always feel bad when that kind of thing happens. Periodically I wonder if I should stop reaching out, the last time we interacted was July 4th. I still care about him and wish him well. I hope he meets an amazing woman who will give him the things he needs and wants out of life.
***
He was a right handed pitcher who told me he was leaving Twitter and baseball. Alarm bells went off in my head as I waited for him to answer. Instead of the conversation being depressing we ended up laughing and joking around with each other. I told him to keep me posted on his shoulder, he ended up having thoracic outlet syndrome. He cut his hair and sent me a picture. I told him I liked it and then he sent me a picture of him when he had been heavier. He had been drafted by the St. Louis Cardinals. I found that out when I commented on his red baseball cap, the only way to get one was to show up at spring training. He may have been the angriest person I had ever met. He played me like a fish and I gave it back to him. I like to give emojis to people and he got mad when I refused to use the one I had told him was his. I pushed and pushed until he finally admitted he wanted it back. He was incredibly sexy in a fuck off don't look at me way. He had every advantage in life. He was tall, white, male, athletic, his father was wealthy, he had some serious daddy issues. His birthday is one month after mine is and sometimes I wonder if he is still alive because rage like that can kill you. I miss him even though I probably shouldn't. He doesn't burn bridges, he immolates structures. Be well KJK, there's a lot of good in life when you take the time to notice it.
***
He was named for a Hall of Fame second basemen. I interviewed him for a show I was doing and since he had my number he texted and asked if I wanted to chat. I was outside doing some yardwork, I told him I could talk for a while and asked what was up. He let me know that he found me interesting and attractive. I ran things through my head, here was a guy who was willing to go out with me that loved and understood baseball more and better than I did. I was intrigued, but told him I wasn't sure I was interested in dating anyone at the time. He told me he would drive up to see me and we could go to a game. After that we could get a hotel room if I wanted, he was my first taste of a truly romantic guy. If I ever wrote a book or a poem about him I could call it Baseball and Rose Petals or something equally cheesy. I was so unsure of what to do with him, I like sex just as much as the next person, but I have never been the type who wants a guy to lay me down in a bower of flowers, just the idea made me question what he did with his money that wasn't wine, flowers, candles, or bath products. He also wanted to show me pictures and finally did. After that I shut him down. Periodically he reaches out and I ignore him. I doubt I'm his dream woman and if I really am, he's going to have to find some way to get past the fact that I am just not into that kind of thing, or him.
***
We both got divorced and commiserated with each other. He fell in love with a woman who was an alcoholic. We both have celiac disease. He's a software engineer up in Canada. We didn't talk often, but when we did, it was nice. I admired him on many levels, but the whole thing with this other woman bothered me. I've seen a picture of his ex and understand why he wanted a woman who wasn't as hard as she was. I listened to him, tried to support him, and received some emotional support from him whenver I reached out. We were infrequent, but good friends. One night I was talking to my friend about a bunch of stuff and his name came up in conversation. My friend told me to go for him. I said I didn't know what he looked like and he found a picture. I really don't care about looks once I have an emotional connection with someone. He was cute and I let my friend talk me into something I regret. I said something silly and it came off wrong because my feelings for him were ambiguous. He didn't respond and I felt so stupid and awkward I haven't reached out since. I miss him and wish him well. I may eventually reach out, but it will probably be a while.
***
We've been friends for years. It was me, him, and another guy that had these great conversations about anything and everything. I loved both of them and we're still friends. Last year my job sent me out to Las Vegas for a conference. I could have and probably should have reached out before I left. I was unsure about everything, exhausted, overwhelmed, furious that I was being sent on a trip for such a short time. My flight was delayed and that made me mad. I paid for a super expensive massage figuring I had earned a treat and didn't care for my therapist who was interesting, but not very good. I could have called a cab, but decided to see if he wanted to get together. He was free and came to pick me up, we hugged and I thought about the black and white photograph a woman he knew had taken. He had a girlfriend when I first met him. We drove around, he took me to lunch and we talked. We went to the old strip and he showed me the container stores. I bought a fresh juice and we walked around. It wasn't a date, I found myself wondering if the feelings I felt for him were real or he was just a super nice and very interesting guy. I love his job and his heart. I don't know what I should do with him.
***
He's one of my best friends and I tell him everything. He could be the twin brother of my manager. We don't always agree, but we have interesting conversations. He's taught me so much about myself and others, I feel an incredible debt of gratitude to him. I trust him implicity and believe that he trusts me. It's amazing to me that I can tell him snippets of work conversations or share my stories about others and he puts these fragments together to come up with a picture I never saw him piecing together. He's one of the people in my life who took my advice and got better fitting footwear. I love him for things like that. He's learned how to cook and I had fun hearing about the class that he said was way over his head. He makes no sense to me and I tell him this often. I want to fall in love with someone like this, but I never was very good about figuring out how to tell my heart which guys were the safe ones. I want to see his house in Florida and take pictures of the herbs in his yard. He's not a car person and machines are like people to me. He doesn't believe that I love dump trucks, but the girls can tell him how I made them wait while I walked across the parking lot to get some pics. I pray we are always friends.
***
The first time I met him it was such an awkward conversation, he has a way of putting me at ease, smoothing out the turbulence, he's so quick I have trouble keeping up with him, his eyes are pure, deep, blue, and they aren't innocent, but they have a childlike wonder in them at times. I want to fall in love with this kind of a guy. Someone who loves the lake, who runs, I used to and I haven't in almost eight years. Ever since I wore the wrong shoes and ruined my ankle. He's tough love and I still remember the time I stopped by and he gave me a side hug. His voice carries, mine does too. I feel like we have known each other forever, like I can read his mind and I can see into the compartments he has. Of course this isn't true. I want him to help me. I want what he has, he's disciplined, he works hard, he plays so hard it becomes work, and I think he likes that about himself. He's one of the most intense people I've ever met and I feel a very deep sense of something I can't name or explain whenever he's around. He would be fun in bed if I wanted someone to unleash the animal inside of me, but that kind of thing isn't really my jam. I want him in my life, I wish we could live together or work together, but I don't see it happening.
***
Every December I count down the days. I remember the guy who sent me a text saying we should both just kill ourselves. His birthday bothers him and mine bothers me. It feels, I don't know, it's rarely a great day although sometimes it's good. I block it from my memory and try not to think about it. I doubt many of the people who know me well and see me regularly would describe me as depressed and/or suicidal, but that's the reality. I'm in a much better place than I was. I have a sense of peace I didn't. I can write about these people and think about the ways they had an impact on my life. A friend told me I had to figure out what I want, I think that's my real problem. I'm too scared to go out with anyone. I fear making the mistakes I did in the past and think, my life isn't bad, if I go out with someone I'll have to be vulnerable enough to hand over my heart for them to break. That's what love is to me. I know I have walls up and it isn't fair that others have to break them down or try to get around them. They don't keep the bad out and they prevent a lot of good from getting in, I can't wait to go back to therapy even though I'm low level dreading the appointment because I feel she will be disappointed in me.
***
Last night I was crying and lonely. I wanted someone to be near me, it was cold, I was tired, hungry, and almost talked myself into doing some really dumb things. Thankfully I had enough sense to leave, get some food, and come back. I felt better after I ate. I've been writing about the same people since 2006 and sometimes I think that the danger of writing fiction is you can meet people who are so much like the ones you created you're stunned when you see the comparison. You know what you know at times, and sometimes you don't know what you know or don't know, but you can see how there were clues here and there that you missed. I wanted to talk to that guy and have him help me get a game plan together. I know he can do this, but he's keeping me at a distance and I respect him enough to give him time and keep my distance. I want to beg him, but I know that isn't the way to handle someone like him. It's eerie meeting someone who seems so much like you it's like you're holding up a mirror and seeing your flaws and strengths reflected back at you. I don't like him that way, I've asked myself if I do, I am honest with myself, it's not him, it's what he respresents. I hope he gets it, I think he does. If not, I don't know what the next step will be...