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"America's favorite fitness expert."

Denise Austin has been part of my morning regime for two decades. At one time she was with ESPN but then was bought by Lifetime television channel, a favorite of men across America who are unwilling to surrender their manliness for the embarassment of watching fat guys play tiddlywinks, a staple of ESPN. Her show, Denise Austin's Daily Workout has been inspiring women to work on getting tight buns and causing men to experience visible erections since 1987. She now has a second program on Lifetime called Fit and Lite. I usually drink three or four Lite beers from Miller early in the morning before work while watching this one as it is more subtle in its sexuality.

Denise was born in San Pedro, California on February 13, 1957, making her an Aquarius, and therefore at least midly psychotic in the bedroom, which only increases the attraction for red-blooded American males who are often trapped in sweaty locker rooms with other men and forced to play basketball for hours on end when they could be watching the Lifetime channel. This is why Denise's fine program usually comes on at seven o'clock in the morning, and I have seen repeats on as early as five o'clock some years back, setting up three hours of viewing pleasure that I would eagerly pad down to the living room in my white flannel pajamas with bunnies and a creature that looks sort of like a mouse printed on them. A cottony tail was involved until a mistake at the laundromat caused me to lose the tail and then invest in a washer and dryer for my very spacious apartment in Old Baltimore.

Denise graduated from the University of Arizona in 1979 with a degree in exercise psychology, which allowed her to not only know how to teach people to exercise, she could also screw with their brains while doing so. When I read about this my hands began to sweat and once again they drifted down below my navel and towards my ominous naval fleet, but I pulled out in time. There will always be another chance to drop a payload of bombs from my B-52 on Dachau!

Denise rolled the dice and got lucky, marrying the brother of tennis star Tracy Austin, who is named Jeff, and who I bet gets his tiny head crushed between those cruelly beautiful thighs 2-3 times a week, the lucky bastard. Regardless, after this marriage, Denise (whose name was apparently Austin before AND after her marriage since her real name is unknown to me) and Jeff moved to Washington, D.C. to devote their lives to the Land of the Free. She is currently serving her second term on the President's Council on Physical Fitness and Sports under the wise, strong and righteous eyes of soon (as of this writing) to be President for Life, George W. Bush.

And oh, the videos! Purr... yip yip... meow!

She has sold over 20 million videos and was inducted into the video Hall of Fame in 2003. An estimated 20 percent of all sales were for that purpose with 60 percent for workout purpose and another 20 percent never being watched because they were bought (a) by mistake, (b) as a gift that turned out to be unwanted, (c) buyer died before watching and it got put in the basement by uncaring family members who were selfishly trying to find out if dead person was leaving them money or an estate. As always, the margin of error on these surveys is plus or minus 5 percent.

If you watch her videos or her programs, pay close attention to certain things, especially if you have needs. One thing is, of course, her powerful, smooth and delicious thighs. The other is to see how her little outfit creeps up inside her "areas" both in the front and back, often exposing additional bonus rump flesh and sometimes that area just outside the main "dining area" where it is easy to determine how recently she has shaved the "bikini area" as they call it on Jones Beach and the Maryland Shore. In other words, the one-piece bathing suit thing she often works out in often rides high, very high, on the thigh. And sometimes she works out barefoot and does things with her feet, like pointed toe extension and a curving of the arch of the foot that make you want to work harder to please her. In many ways she is like a cheerleader when you watch her, urging you on, understanding your pain and your life's miseries, and making you want to do whatever she says if only it will please Mistress Denise. And then, if you are like me, you will write her letters for twelve straight years until you realize this isn't getting you anywhere.

One quick recommendation, do not buy the Kicking With Country video, because although the cover is really hot, with Denise jumping up in the air in a cowboy shirt and cut-off shorts and her thighs will mesmerize you (a fine marketing plan if I ever saw one), the video itself is weird.

She has two daughters with Jeff, Kelly and Katie, and it is hoped that the money made from Denise's awesome moneymaking career, diversified into shows, videos, magazine columns, books and DVDs will provide enough insulation to protect them when the liberals come.

My membership in www.deniseaustin.com allowed me to research this information there despite the restraining order Denise has had out against me since 1993.

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