As far as my life goes, when it does decide to go, it usually is me standing around while people act it out for me. At least that's what it felt like until recently. Maybe its too late to change it.

For as long as I can remember whenever I show up on the scene people, my friends that is, start acting mature. They could be running around ringing doorbells or setting bags of dog poop on fire but when I show up they all stop and stand around. I exude some kind of authority around people and it's always pissed me off. Even in kindergarten I would quite frequently organize the other kids into groups and do things, not on purpose they just all listened to me. I got a gold star for organizing a clean up of the entire classroom once. :)

If I go to a party it stops being a party and becomes a get together. In some instances if i'm around people for long enough they figure out that I don't have any magical authority and they'll act normal but that takes a very long time and usually my family had moved away somewhere by then. So I just stopped trying.
I only recently accepted that I can start doing stuff again thanks largely in part to kryptica and hamster bong. They helped me realize alot of stuff about myself and deal with many of the issues of my life.

I've come to realize that the reason I have this sort of irritating authority is that I have alot of common sense. I was never one to stick my finger in a light socket after being told not to.
I learn from other peoples mistakes, something that I have only recently found out most people will try not to do as hard as possible. They'll go and stick there finger in the light socket just so that they can say they found it out for themselves. Its just the way I am, if someone tells me something is stupid to do and I reason through it and decide that they're right I most likely won't do it. I've experimented with ignoring my common sense at college but it usually finds a way to creep up on me. Even when I do something stupid I find myself doing that something stupid in such a way that its not stupid but instead unique. Unique isn't good when its planned, everyone else thinks it's great but I just think, "man why did I do that". :(
I think this is as close to avoiding my common sense as i'm ever going to get so i'll just have to live with it and be happy. :| :) :D Put on that ole happy face, better unique then rejected.

Recently my new enemy has arrived on the scene and it turns out it is an old companion of common sense, assumption. Assumption drives me up the wall, it has its evil henchmen what if..., what about... and this would happen....

They're constantly harassing me now and it's my fault. I never really went to parties or did much of anything because of common sense and the exuded authority looming over my head. All of the stuff I never did is now catching up to me.
Nobody wants to do anything with me now or if they do the henchmen are there to change their mind quickly enough especially what if... and this would happen.... Not even my best friend wants to do anything with me and I can't blame her, based on my previous track record, but if someone was going to give me a chance I would have hoped it would be her. :( Oh sure, we'll do stuff in a group with my family, they've known me long enough that they can just wash the exuded authority off, most of the times anyway and then we can have fun. But she won't give me a chance and its all because of the cruel beast of assumption and his henchmen. Also there is the fact that because of the henchmen she thinks that if we somehow ended up in a relationship the world would fall apart. She also says i'm depressed all the time which I am and so is she so it wouldn't work out. Well until her and my sister helped me realize things I never really got depressed and i'm well on my way to getting back to better state of mind, I no longer yearn for the way things were or that things could be different, instead I think about what I can do to change things. I'd like to have something with my best friend, if not a relationship something else. I don't ever want to push it but one day i'd like to kiss her and not have it mean that things had changed. I'd like to one day have sex with her, i'm not gonna lie, she's the most attractive female i've ever met and I care for her deeply. Right now i'm pretty sure that it would change things and make them horrible and I don't want that. It kills me when she tells me all the reasons we can't be together. Not because they're lies, most of them could be true, anything can be true if you want it to be a what if is a dangerous weapon when wielded by the uncertain. I want her to be happy and I know that if I ever had the chance I could. If that chance never comes i'll be happy for her in whatever life she choses to lead and if she ever needs help i'll be there, if she ever needs someone i'll be there, i'll always be there. I can't help but think about the saying, "it's better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all". Maturity plays a big part in this, we would both have to be in a mental place that we aren't to be able to handle things if it didn't work out. She doesn't want to try but I know I would put my soul and my everything into it. That's just the way I feel about it. :) Now onto the bastard that is the past.

The past sucks, no matter how much good stuff there is if you can remember bad stuff the bad stuff will usually jump up and smack the good memories out of your head whenever it gets the chance.

I've come to like my common sense and I've grown used to my exuded authority but I don't like how they are affecting me now. I can really only see one reason why I get depressed now, my past in one form or another is always sitting around on either my shoulders or someone else's telling stories of how things can't and won't ever be good. Well ya know what past..... FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU AND THE HORSE YOU RODE IN ON. :)

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