Dream Log: February 14, 2002

I dreamed that I woke up at 9am just a moment before the alarm was supposed to go off. I turned my head and stared at a clock: 8am, what a f***. I thought it was a good thing and next I was in the middle of parties crowded by bunch of my old mates mostly from preliminary school. There was one girl Anu T who constantly tried to make herself very close to me. If the truth be telt, I didn't mind at all but I was completely passive because I wasn't that attracted by her although she's a nice girl. She even pumped me down in purpose couple of times and thus we ended up hugging and snogging. Another girl, Marketta, wanted to put a stop for this indecency and she came between us. Anu T retreated but only for a while. Soon she poked me down again and this time I fell on a table full of (almost) empty juice pots. It was a complete mess and my shirt got very dirty due to all the juices. Anu T was really shamed and she sat down almost crying that she had spoilt everything. At this time she wasn't looking like a typical Finnish girl anymore but a mulatto with a curly hair and all. I ruffled her head saying it's okay, really, and I don't mind at all and actually I liked her (which was so true especially at this point).

Anyways, somewhatta arrogantly I left her and started to watch telly because there was Simpsons going on. Some mates said I wouldn't catch the plot anymore because today's show was a continuation from Sunday. I wondered why they thought I had missed any episode of Simpsons.. A whale ate Bart. Homer and Milhouse chased the whale with a hilarious vehicle designed by Homer.

Next I was in my own bed moving my hips so that I got sexually aroused. I received a dirty message full of sexual suggestions from Salka.

(unfortunately I woke up - at 8am! - before the sheets got dirty..)

I was watching myself from outside my own body, but it wasn't even my body. I was a completely different person, I was a prostitute with long dark hair, tall, thin. But the feelings and thoughts of this girl were mine.

I see myself wearing a beautiful dress, of undulating green and gold, a fabric and pattern which could never exist in reality. I am the most beautiful girl in the world, but it's not enough.

I was in love with one of my clients, he was not in love with me. This made me incredibly sad, and it didn't help matters that my roommate (not my actual roommate, but a very rotund 'madame' who I shared a gigantic bed in the mansion/brothel with) was very close to him. He would call her up and talk to her, asking for her advice and whatnot, while I would lay on the other side of the bed, imagine what my love was saying on the other end, and do nothing but want.

The weight of ocean water surrounds me, but does not smother me; it does not crush my skeleton into a finely granulated dust. I can see the idea of its volume, but it does not affect me physically. The darkness of thick liquid is all around, but somehow I can see; somehow the whispers of images in the black are known to me. A rocky floor is underneath me, and my knees and feet knock against it as the currents move me where they will.

I am alone there.

Then. A shape moves far away. I can barely make it out from my position; it is a large, sleek object that appears to be made out of motion itself. Its actions are slow, labored; it carries the weight of the world in its being. Barely am I able to rightly focus on it before a rumble deep within the ocean floor scatters up clouds of dust and debris. The source is a sound, a terrific plunging sound that makes my ribcage strain and threaten to break. It starts as pure vibration, then escalates swifty upwards, into an undulating array of clicks and low, mournful wails.

The bits of light that had filtered through the water to allow my vision were shut off as a curtain of black shape drew slowly over my head. It had a solidity of purpose and life that struck the terror of unknown immensity into my awareness. My arm reached upwards of seemingly of its own volition; I had to touch this source of existence.

My fingers brushed it.

My awareness ... tilted.

I was [flash] not looking through water or light, but instead [flash] I was water, and light, and [flash] every bit of physicality that had come into this world. The life of ages swept through me, textures and experiences and ideas that my mind raced to grasp.

The touch broke, and the whale glided silently past. I watched it go; I watched this keeper of the secrets of time move away. It was as if I had touched the core of the earth itself, and everything that had ever come to pass in and on it.

I closed my eyes and the ocean disappeared, and there was only imagination.

We were on a pilgrimage north (an echo of the real world). We were going to travel the length of Africa in order to bathe in the suez canal.

When we got there, it was not in the deserts of the middle east, more like the rocky arid karoo, with brown shrubs sweltering in the heat. The canal was a ditch of dirty water about ten meters across.

I asked if he was sure that this really was the suez canal, and if they get those big ships down here. Could oil tankers fit down this thing?.

The water really was very dirty, stagnant and warm from being such a small body, reddish in tint. There was some garbage in it, and I didn't want to go into it. Perhaps the real canal, larger and full of fresh cold blue seawater was just a bit further on.

Conciously I don't do much wordplay, but it seems that my dreaming mind does it from time to time. Sewers canal. Is my subconcious telling me that I will go north and wade in a river of Filth. It is worth noting that both cities (Dublin, London) that i will visit are based around a river (Liffey, Thames) whereas my hometown, Cape Town, is not.

I wanted to look up "suez canal" on E2 to learn if it really was this narrow and shallow, and perhaps do a writeup if there wasn't one.

The dreams of love...

Such a simple dream, but sometimes those are the best kind.

Just me and Ed, together, just holding each other. I could feel his touch, the warmth of his embrace, his gentle kiss on my cheek. Him just being there. Just to be close to him...

I woke up with a smile on my face. And with an emptiness in my heart, because he's not really here. He never really was.