I was getting married to my friend Jenn, who was my roommate for sophomore and junior years of college. Never mind that she's been married (to someone else, mind you) for almost three years. I haven't seen her in real life since then.
The whole process was strange and psychological. Throughout the dream, I was perfectly aware that I hadn't seen her in nearly three years, but it was more of a slight buzz below the surface of my skin than anything else. "Hey, wasn't I?...was she?...Well..." And I would drift off to pick up the flower arrangements or have a last-minute fitting. I was not aware of my actual current relationships, but I vaguely knew that something here was different, and wrong. I couldn't place it.
It was difficult to deal with, like a heat haze.
The wedding itself was going to be small and private. We had a room, presumably in a relative's house, set up for it. The walls were blindingly white, with dark walnut beams across the ceiling. Bunches of flowers were scattered everywhere, all colors, and all the colors glowed. There was natural light coming in on your right as you came down the aisle. Everyone's skin was perfect, teeth were bright. It was all soft and light and golden, and matched the overall haze of the whole dream perfectly.
I thought about marrying Jenn, walking around with presents and placecards and glasses, trying not to screw up my hair. What was I doing. I was. I. We had been engaged a long time, and engaged a long and were we even. I hadn't seen her in three years and I was. Well we had been engaged for. And. But I hadn't seen and where and what was she. What was she thinking where was. But this is the right. This. But I hadn't seen her I would see her in a minute. I would. It would be.
It was almost how I might feel before an arranged marriage. I like Jenn. I knew her well, a while ago. But I was suddenly marrying her after years and years, and I half thought it was right. It was a matter of honor and upholding promises. I had to do it, and I had to and. But I knew it wasn't quite right.
I can't remember who else was there. Some relatives, I suppose. Everything seemed too empty. I stood at the foot of the aisle, waiting to walk up. I was in this odd position between bride and groom. I suppose I was more the groom; I was certainly the escort for a lady. But I don't know what I was wearing, or why I would be walking up the aisle were I the groom. So I stood there and waited, and whatever people were there came and sat down, waiting for her, but waiting for me, too.
Someone looked at me from the other end of the aisle. Best man, possibly, but on the bride's side. On my side. I can't remember who it was. Someone I know well, and who looked at me and knew what I was thinking and I knew it and almost could not look back. I was frozen. I was in a loop.
I think it was John. I don't know. But he is the one who would know what I was thinking.
Then Jenn came in, and I turned and met her. This was the first time I had seen her, but there was none of the typical "oh my god, she's stunning" reaction to one's bride in her dress. Instead I hugged her and started to stage whisper to her how strange this was, and how I felt, and do you think we should...? I needed to talk to her very badly. And she laughed and said something to the effect of "Ssh, people can hear you!" They really were listening. I could tell. Especially the boy at the end of the aisle. "Come on, we have to walk now," she said. And she smiled at me with this utterly brilliant smile. She smiled with her eyes. And I didn't forget the undercurrent, but I smiled back, reassured. She could go through with it, even if I. If I. If I couldn't quite believe her.
And we both turned and joined arms, and pretended we were ready.