Today I learned that the house that we owned when I was married has been sold. I drove past it the other day. I was going to go inside and look around. I do that sometimes, but there was so much snow on the driveway that I opted to view it from the street. I drove there after therapy. I wanted to get a small shovel from the garage because I can't figure out where else I would have left the one that I had in my old car before I lost it. This morning I took some time to do creative visualization before I started my day. I laid there for a while, I don't remember what I started with, but eventually I started seeing other people and objects. I saw a friend of mine who smokes. She was laying in the hospital because she had experienced incredible chest pains earlier. She was hooked up to all sorts of machinery, her family was there, her son was asking if his mom was going to be okay. Then I saw her as a very old woman with hardly any strength. She's very into martial arts and she's intense. She wants to lose weight, but she has a very muscular build so she will never be the super skinny type.
The next person I saw was my mom. She was walking to work, smoking, like she usually does. I don't know why she was going down a way I wouldn't have gone, but when she got to the base of the hill she felt like she could no longer go forward. She laid down on the sidewalk, and died. Then I saw that she was up in heaven. I wondered about her house and then I saw it split in two before me. A gigantic plant burst out of the middle of it and there was a huge flying banner that proclaimed TOBACCO IS MURDER. Under the tree in the front yard I saw a niece of mine. She was smoking by herself, then my children were there with her. Pretty soon all eight of my mothers granddaughters were out there smoking beneath the tree. I saw two shriveled black things, they were the lungs of my niece who was born in July. My mom wanted to tell them not to smoke, but God told her that they couldn't hear her. All five of her children were standing there, just watching this scene unfold. A finger pointed at me and told me that because I had not fed my children well I would starve to death. When I protested that I was very concerned about their diets I was told that I hadn't done so in a loving manner.
My next sister was judged for not taking better care of her husband. The sister after that had been cold when others needed warmth so she was going to freeze to death. My youngest sister was going to be in great pain for the rest of her life and my brother was going to pay for being irresponsible. I saw people I had worked with next. The people who had fired me were going to be whipped like in the olden days where sailing meant rum, sodomy, and the lash. The woman was going to be a slave because she had hungered for power and abused it. My assistant manager was going to wander in the desert until her bones became dust and mixed with the sand because the milk of human kindness was absent from her. Another woman I worked with was going to suffer as well. When it was time for my boss to be judged I was scared, but then she was exalted and told that because she had lifted others while she was here on earth, she would be lifted up and live the rest of her days in greater peace and comfort than she had been. I saw people laying in hospital beds; battered, bruised, exhausted.
I saw one of the guys that I had worked with laying on an old fashioned hospital bed. I wasn't sure why he was there, but then he was removed and taken to a separate part of the hospital to be by himself. He was put into a coma and I was very worried about him, but he was in the coma for his protection. I wanted to do something for him, I saw a bowl of soup, but it was for me, not him. I was told to be patient, it was very hard for me because I am not a patient person. I was told that when he awoke he would remember nothing that had preceded his trip to the hospital. He was extremely tired when he woke up, he went back to sleep after only a few seconds of fluttering eyelids, but it was healing to see. I saw other friends of mine and people I know. I saw books I had read and wanted to read. I saw this guy going to others who were in great distress and putting his hands on them because he was a massage therapist and had been called in to help people relax and get some pain relief. I used to have a book that I tried to find, but I must have donated it or loaned it to someone else.
There were times when I cried. I saw good things too. I saw my friend the smoker standing in front of a mansion that was full of beauty and light. She asked why we were there and she was told it was for her. She didn't believe it and stood there when we tried coaxing her forward. She wouldn't believe that it was really for her, and I have to say the image was daunting because this place was massive. I'm pretty sure it's a house I've been in before. Years ago my children were invited to a party after a soccer game. I had no idea that it would be at this place, my entire house would have fit in the lower level which walked out onto a patio area and the yard. There was a washer, dryer, full bath, two bedrooms, a kitchen area, a smaller bathroom, a seating area with couches and chairs, a good sized dining room table, I think there may have been a pool table as well, but there was still plenty of room to walk around. I saw food I had eaten. At one point I saw a bunch of white roses. Then I saw red ones, I thought the next ones would be pink, the flowers were pink, but they were tulips rather than roses.
I walked around and saw where the tulips had been planted. I saw myself standing in a yard looking out at gardens and work that needed to be done. I saw my face pressed into someone else's shirt, I felt arms around me holding me tight. I was crying, he was, we stood there holding each other and crying, but they were tears of joy mingled with the ones we had shed because of painful earlier memories. I saw myself being very confused and not understanding why things were happening. When people asked if they were really dying or suffering, they were told that this was not the present, this was a vision of what their future would be like unless they mended their ways. I saw a baby crying that was picked up and soothed. I saw a bunch of women sitting out on the terrace where I used to work. I asked to be done, but I was told that there was one more person I needed to see. I saw my friend with the crush and then she was judged. She was told that because she had been selfish and merciless she would be judged harshly. It was as if I could see the best and worst of everyone, their future, and how their past was a predictor and indicator of it..
Even though these things are flashing before me, it isn't an active thought process. I just lay there and let one thing drift into or become another. I try to slow down and really notice things rather than leaping from one thing to another. It isn't scary even though some of these things seem like they should be. I'm very grateful for this gift. Sometimes the thinking side of my brain tries to interfere and tell me that certain things can't happen, or won't, I try to shut that side of me down and just let the images melt and flow. I don't know if this is what people who are high on meditation are experiencing, I think that's supposed to be an emptying of a mind rather than a filling of one. It's strange because it seems both connected and disconnected from reality. I start with an object, a problem, or a concern of mine. I stick with and notice whatever comes to mind until the next thing or person appears. Sometimes real experiences I've had intrude, maybe they are a part of the story line. I don't really know. After this I got up and ate. I talked to a friend of mine about the tiny houses and he was totally into them.
I started texting my family, and then I was immediately disappointed and hurt because they were negative and pointed out that I don't have land or money to buy a place. My mood sank and then I was so tired I didn't want to do anything, but I made myself sit on the couch and read my books. I read the second chapter of Six Pillars of Self Esteem, and I read part of a chapter in my Leading on the Creative Edge book. I did eventually lie back down. I've been trying to really listen to my body, I must have fallen asleep at some point in time because I had a dream about work. I was wandering around and two of the women I used to work with were there. The woman with the crush saw me, Jill and Jane were there, I hadn't noticed them earlier. She was talking and I made a point of looking at my phone and not engaging. There were other things that happened, but I'm not sure exactly what they are anything. At the very end of my dream I saw the front end manager smiling and waving to me. I wish I could have hugged her one last time. She's been on my mind a lot for some reason, maybe because I've thought about reaching out and asking if I could use her as a reference when I apply for jobs.
We tend to use our vacuum cleaner as a place to hang sweatshirts when they come out of the washer, but today I pulled it out and vacuumed. I think I figured out why I have so much trouble with the dishes. First of all my counter is very stupidly designed so that's part of it. But I always feel like this is not really my place and I'm scared to put the dishes and clothes away because any minute someone is going to come over and chase me out of here. I've struggled with feelings of impermance my whole life and I'm sure that goes back to my childhood because it seemed like we were always moving or things were being changed and everything was beyond my control. I feel like a child in many ways. But I now realize that this is tied to self worth and that can be raised and improved. My friend has invested in herself and it's awesome to see those things paying off for her and her family. I write fiction because I feel like I can't handle the world of real people. Fiction is fine, escaping into my head as an avoidance technique is an unhealthy coping mechanism when you do it to the extent that I do. I learned a lot about myself and others today. I feel calmer, but still incredibly tired, as if very deep work is being done on me, but this is how I will heal.
Xoxo,
J
P.S. I can't even imagine how bizarre some of this must sound to others, it sounds crazy even to me and I'm pretty tolerant of this kind of thing...
j