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I am letting go and saying goodbye to a group of people.

It's hard. I love them and I forgive them. But forgiveness is not reconciliation: if abusive behavior continues, it is time to let go and walk away.

I have been carrying two cell phones for two years. People think it's silly. It is silly. But it isn't, really, because I was waiting until the fallout was clear and waiting until I was sure: which numbers will be moved to the newer phone.

"You can transfer your phone number." Yes I could. I did not and will not. The new number is only shared with the people I am not letting go of.

I have an elderly patient in her 80s. She complained of trouble sleeping. I did a PCLC screen* for PTSD. She has the highest score of anyone I have ever seen. She left her family years ago, disappeared. Changed her name I think. She has never told me what they did, and I only asked if she wanted to talk about it once. She outscores every veteran I have: who served in Vietnam, Korea, Desert Storm, Afganistan. And that was family, remember, the people who say that they love you.

I feel as if I am going inwards, so deep. It's not depression. It's just pain and grief. It is so deep, the deepest rift in the ocean. It is very dark and the surreal lit fish and swimming things are there, and the rift columns of hot water from the center of the earth.

Yesterday during the massage I called on the mothers: three who are dead. I turned this part of my family and friends over to them and let go.

I wonder why I am alive and why, Beloved, I am to witness this.

*PCLC screen: http://www.mirecc.va.gov/docs/visn6/3_PTSD_CheckList_and_Scoring.pdf

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