I feel like I should write an update. Unfortunately, something is wrong with my concentration. I've suspected for some time that I might have ADHD, autism, or both. Or neither. 'Neurodiverse' isn't that bad of a word, so I'm seriously considering getting an assessment. From what I understand, I would have to see my doctor and get a referral letter for a psychologist. It's supposed to be covered by the provincial health plan that way. The psychologist would then assess me and possibly diagnosis me. If I'm diagnosed with something, maybe they can give me drugs, therapy, or whatever else might help me.
I've been putting off having this done. Oddly enough, I'm not worried about the assessment. I mostly don't want to deal with my family doctor asking me about my life. "Where are you working?" "Where are you living?" These are questions she asks because I came to her five years ago with depression. Which I likely still have, and which might be the real cause of my decreased concentration. Anyway, I don't want to answer those questions.
My attention span is hard to control. There are too many things I need or want to do, and I can't decide what to prioritize. When I do prioritize something — usually a project that takes far longer than expected — I pay little attention to anything else. Sometimes I don't eat enough, or I'll stay up too late. I want to be finished, and I won't stop until I'm finished. Even if I must keep working at it day after day after day.
This schedule might work well if I were a mad scientist in a basement laboratory, working day and night and only opening the door to grab the plate of food his wife brings down for him. But that's not my situation. I need to be able to cook and clean for myself. Respond to messages. Pay bills. Maybe bathe. The obvious solution is to split my time into smaller pieces, spread them throughout the weeks or months, and just keep at it until it's done. Like a snail. Like the damn tortoise who beats the hare. Which is probably for the best, but it drives me crazy to watch that hare running ahead of me.
My appetite is back. The days are getting longer, with the sun staying out past 6. I went swimming three days ago at the indoor pool, and that's the best I've felt in a long time. I normally go running to deal with my stress, but winter running does not suit me. Nor does the treadmill, or the indoor track. Or the gym. Or working out in my apartment. It just doesn't work. But swimming laps at the pool? I think that might work. I've been cooking and eating more often, building up my energy for the next workout.
I have homemade bread in the oven, inspired by andycyca's post about baking bread. I've been splitting my time between writing here and preparing the dough. When it comes to relatively short and easy tasks, I prefer to do two or three of them at once.
I'm not sure if the pool will be open tomorrow, so I plan to go on Tuesday. I also want to go to the library this week. I have a research project in mind, and not starting it is driving me insane. I have two books about evolutionary biology. Both have information about synapsids, aka protomammals or mammal-like reptiles. I don't know what I'll do with the research notes when I have them. I just know that I can't focus worth a damn here at home, so off to the library I must go.
I feel like I've spent the past five years climbing out of a hole, and now I'm close to the top. All I need to do is reach up as high as I can, grab the edge, and PULL. I need to do it soon. All the muscles in my body feel tight and sore, and the only way they'll feel better is if I get out of the hole. So it's going to take a lot of mental strength to heave myself back onto solid ground. I think this new swimming routine might be the thing I need to do it. That, and getting back into what I do best: nerding out. And meditating every now and then.
I have high hopes for 2024.