Day six: Last night I dreamt that
I was at my aunt and uncle's house. Most of what I remember is packing
up and getting ready to leave. I really like this aunt and uncle. When I
turned to my sister, I told her that while it was nice to visit, it was
nice to be returning home. Before we left, I was in a room with a guy.
It was dark, it seemed like a club of some sort, and I think there may
have been a small child there, but perhaps not.
My mom, two of my sisters, and my brother were there. I went
downstairs to find that I had left some clothes laying in the middle of
the floor. My cheeks were hot with embarrassment, but I made a joke
about it and picked them up. Everything I had worn earlier was there,
but I could only find one shoe. These shoes were white. They didn't look
like anything I would wear, the clothes either as they were red, and I
dislike wearing, but there they were, and they were clearly mine. Across
the hall I saw my sister kneeling on the floor, and I was upset when I
saw that she was wearing one of my shoes. I told my family about it,
and then I woke up.
Objects: House, dark room, clothes, aunt and uncle, sisters, brother,
mom, kitchen, dining room, small child, pile of clothes, single shoe.
I think this dream is about me wanting to escape from my life, but
realizing that you'll never be completely free from your past. The club
that should have been fun doesn't seem to have been. Maybe the man was
interviewing me. I really don't know why he was in my dream. The small
child either. My mom has always been very remote and uninterested in
what I do. She doesn't read what I write, she would if I asked her to,
but she doesn't know how to devote her entire attention to another
person, if she does, I haven't seen evidence of it, and maybe this dream
is grieving for that lack of nurture while illuminating what kind of a
parent I've been.
Last night in real life my two girls were going to spend the night
with my sister. There was a miscommunication so we went to go pick them
up not realizing my sister was going to drop them off today. We left to
pick up groceries at the Vietnamese grocery store, and I was startled to
get a text from my sister saying that my youngest daughter was crying
because she was homesick. When we arrived, the girls had been watching a
movie so we sat upstairs talking. My youngest came up and talked to us
for a few minutes, but she didn't hang around for long.
My sister said it was like a switch went off. We left, and she
started crying because she missed us. I didn't handle yesterday very
well. When we went to therapy, the therapist said to listen to the
voices during the calm as decisions made when you are hurt, angry, or
sad are not the voice of clarity speaking. I now have a much greater
appreciation for both freedom of speech, and the right to remain silent
which might sound strange, but I count myself fortunate to live in a
country that recognizes these certain inalienable rights.
Would like to write more, but can't just now.
Take care,
jess
P.S. A quick plug for the Heyday app which allows you to store
pictures and post on the spot private journal entries. This came in very
handy yesterday. I got a picture of Jane sleeping, and one of me with my sister's dog.