It's been a while since I've really written here, and even then it's just been daylogs. I want to engage with this place more and write factuals but I'm just... so so tired.
Latin is causing me an obscene amount of stress. I'm finally just about caught up on everything. I have four declensions memorized, all the personal pronouns, passive verbs, relative pronouns, all I have left to get caught up is to finish up the demonstratives. But we're assigned translations for class, and I struggle with the translations very much. Which makes no sense! I have everything memorized, but then we get to translating and it's like, I consistently get everything just slightly incorrect. And it's like, I'm paying $3000 to learn this language and I can't even correctly use the knowledge I've acquired. The stuff we translate is designed to accompany the textbook such that it matches the vocabulary and grammar I have learned up to this point, so in theory it should be easy. I should have no problems! The most recent translation, though -- I struggled so so so so so much. It's stressing me out and making me feel angry and defeated, because I want to get to the point where I can read this goddamn language, but reading is translating, and if I can't translate I can't read.
I just hope my issues are just the kind of thing that will get better the more I learn. In theory my problem is just that I don't know everything yet, and once the class is over I will be proficient. I'm just a little concerned that these problems will persist through the end of the class. I got a great grade on my first big exam though. I'm also wondering if they make the translation difficult deliberately, to push me to my limits, but I hate hate hate how hard it is for me. I want to be able to read my Clementine Vulgate. I want to be able to read Cicero, Caesar, Ovid, Lucretius.
In other news, I'm considering trying to learn Old English over the summer. I know it's closer to German than modern English, but I am enjoying latin very much and I want to keep learning at least some form of language over the summer. However, it depends on how confident I get in latin. If I am not confident in my latin, I might choose to sharpen latin over the summer instead. I also don't know if four months is enough to learn a new language, considering latin will have taken 30 weeks. Still, if I get a start on Old English it's something I can work on in my free time. The only problem is that I barely have enough energy for my baseline responsibilities at the moment.
I'm trying to get in with a new psychiatrist. I kept forgetting and it took me weeks to finally call them and get them to send me the forms. I sent them in and they called me like two days ago and said "hey we should schedule an appointment" and I STILL haven't called them back. I even remembered today but didn't feel like talking to anyone so I didn't do it. So so so so stupid, I need to just... just do it. My old med provider, she was just so completely joyless that it felt like hostility, like she didn't really like me or want to talk to me at all and I was just an annoyance and a bother. And yeah, I could probably have requested a different provider, but I think they just book so many goddamn people because she was also very expedient. I loved my psychiatrist before her though. So, I guess I just want to move on, find someone that doesn't hate their job.
Ugh. I want to be productive, I want to take time to do things I actually enjoy, but I feel like my illness just prevents me from living my life and doing what I want and I hate it so so much. Reading takes so much mental stamina that I'm just fried. All I can do every day is just do absolutely nothing and numb out until I finally pass out for a few hours. It probably won't get better and I feel no hope anymore and I am so sick of everything and everyone. But time will tell I guess.
That's all I have to write for now. Whoever read this, thanks for reading.