Even though I did not sleep well last night, I'm having a pretty good day today. I laid around for a while, yesterday was so emotional I decided to give myself a day to unwind and relax. I ate breakfast, took a bath, got dressed, chatted with some of my friends on Twitter, and took a short walk outside since it was such a beautiful day. My thermostat is set to 62, but it was 74 in my place when I left, probably because others around me still have their heat going. I seem to have a knack for wearing too many layers when it's warm, and not enough when it's cold outside. Last night I drove out to see Jane at school. I showed up unannounced and uninvited, she asked me what I was doing at school and I told her I was her weird mom and kind of left it at that. I was exhausted from crying so much yesterday, today I am in a more positive mood. I drove her and her friends out to Wal-Mart and ended up buying a package of gluten free crackers when I was walking around the store with them. When I asked Jane about how things were going with the guy she liked she told me it was over and that she didn't have a new crush. She doesn't really talk to any of the kids that she went to grade school with, and I'm not surprised to see that she's met new friends.
When I asked about why she's transferring schools she said she wants to do more of what her sister is doing, but instead of writing, she wants to pursue and explore a theater emphasis. She says she likes everything about where she goes to school now other than actually going to school, that's pretty much how she felt about grade school, and I can remember having similar feelings when I was her age. Tonight I am going to go watch my niece, I'm tired and I didn't really pack anything to eat, now I can see that was a mistake, but there are stores in the area and I can pick up some snacks to tide me over until I get home. I have a lot of restless energy today, the kind that makes me want to jump into a pool and swim some laps, or pull out my bike and see how far down the block I can go since it's been a while since I was on the road. Upon reflection I think I could have handled yesterday's phone interview better. I was very upset and I think I came across as more problematic and dramatic than professional and capable. I'll give myself a pass, I didn't really want the job anyways, but this morning I received an email from a company saying they wanted to set up a phone interview, and I think I prefer that approach although I can see the efficiency in having people just pick up the phone and call.
I've been really frustrated by my book. I lost my momentum and now I'm struggling to find out how to get that back. This has happened to me before, I'm on to chapter 17, and I'm afraid that everything is lost, but I know that is evidence of catastrophic thinking and not actually reality based. I spent some time on the phone flirting with the guy from Tinder. He has had an interesting day today. One thing that makes me nervous, and I realize that this is in the future, but he really wants children of his own someday so I'm thinking about that. He got divorced because he wanted kids and she didn't, that's not really an area that lends itself well to compromise. While I'm not entirely opposed to the idea, I would really have to think about what having another baby at my age would mean. Part of me realizes how insane it is to even consider something like that, the last time I was at my middle sister's house we talked about it and had a really good heart to heart about it. There is a part of me that would like another child and one of the most infuriating things is trying to reason with your biological clock. I try to ask myself if there is something else behind the desire, a lack of love, a wish to have a fresh start and try to correct mistakes made in the past, but deep down I know that women are designed to have children and there's not really a logical way around it no matter what my mind and brain tell me.
And now it's time for some more personality profiling. I think that this guy could be an ISFJ. What this means for me is that we have some areas where we overlap, I think we're both introverts who can socialize to a degree that others can't or don't, and since he's an S type he enjoys working with his hands and taking in information in a way that I typically overlook. His father was a mechanic and I think he inherited a lot of those qualities and skills. He's an outdoors person, that would be good for me. That's how I grew up, and it sounds as if he has his life planned around whatever seasons are in session. He has a good relationship with both of his parents and it sounds as if he gets along well with other family members as well, always a good sign. I view him as very humble and wonder if he lets others take advantage of him since he is a giver. He seems very supportive of things that I do, writing, trying to establish better relationships with my daughters, etc... When I mentioned that I was having problems with the book he said he knew I would get back to it and it would be awesome. That was nice to hear and it gave me an insight. I had been looking for a way to get through, but what I really want is that special punch or plot twist that will make it an outstanding production.
I think he's a very down to earth person who is reliable, responsible, probably not super creative (this isn't a complaint or a problem, just my opinion), he works hard, he wants to do well, he has a lot to give, but I wonder if he extends himself too far and doesn't take what he needs from others. If that's the case, then someone who is able to see things like that (such as me, wow, what a coincidence that would be) could be a beneficial partner for him. He admits that he is not organized. I sent him a picture of my fridge and he was impressed by that. I like it when relationships are balanced, where you have some common ground, some different skill sets, and there is mutual admiration and respect for both parties. I feel very respected by him. I feel as if he genuinely cares about my wellbeing and is acting like a gentleman which is super impressive because I've given him some opportunities to depart from that script just to see what he would do with that. Either he's not a flirt, he doesn't know how to respond, he's being cagey, or he thinks it may be too early to be flirty back. I suppose there are other possibilities such as a lack of interest, but for some reason I don't think that's the case. Last night I told him that I thought he was cute and he said that I was so we established that. I would really like to meet him in person, he's growing on me and has become more intriguing rather than less which is also a nice sign.
I have more thoughts, but I'm also very hungry despite having eaten breakfast and lunch, so this is goodbye for now.
Best wishes,
Jess
P.S. I could really use a nap. The library is warm and cozy, I didn't sleep well, and now I'm gearing up to hang out with a toddler and an eight month old. I will survive, manage, cope, and make the best of it. Glad I got out of the house today. Think the walk was helpful and I need to do more of that. Feeling like a sluggish couch potato lately and that's just not like me.
Xoxo,
j