Today's confession will be good for my soul. When my therapist told me to take some time to feel my feelings, I basically thought I would take a week or two off to process the fact that I had been fired, I actually like working and work hard the majority of the time, I'm eager to get back to work, but I also have much more serious problems with anxiety and my emotions than I ever realized. This morning I woke up in almost a panic. I skipped knitting because I didn't want to leave my place. I enjoy going to knitting, but the woman who works at the knitting store is such an unpleasant condescending person to be around that I couldn't bring myself to face her even though that meant not seeing the two other women I did want to see. Yesterday I lost it when my daughter asked me to drop her off at work so she could determine what she needed to do to replace a paycheck that I sent through the dryer because I didn't notice it in the comforter she had left on the floor. Not many people would toss a hundred dollar bill around, but that was her attitude about this money. I explained that I would stop at work if she picked up a direct deposit form, she agreed, so we stopped at her work.
Twenty-two minutes later I was so mad at her that I left. I'm chatty so I understand what it's like to want to talk to people at work, but when it's flipping freezing out and your mom is waiting for you in the car, it's probably not a good idea to test her patience like that. She started walking home, I did drive back and walk through the aisles to see if I could find her. I apologized to her, she apologized to me, and we agreed to put the incident behind us and move forward. Today I told her that I would be leaving at 2:30 and planned to pick her up around 3:00. The clock in my car is several minutes fast, we all know this, but today I forgot that fact. I pulled into the parking lot a couple minutes before 3:00 and left after I had waited for her for four minutes. She saw me driving away and tried flagging me down. I was very tempted to keep driving, but I stopped and let her into the car. I wish I knew why I was so upset yesterday and today, but I think it's related to getting fired at work. For most of my life I've been treated poorly. This isn't a poor me statement, it's a fact.
I have also treated others poorly, but treatment of others shouldn't be a boomerang that comes back at you even though it often is. I never learned how to be assertive and speak up for myself. My dad was marginalized at many places he worked. My mom has trouble getting along with others. I told my daughter that I was absolutely furious when I picked her up from school today. I explained that it had been against my wishes to send her there, her dad made the decision that affected me without my input. Initially I agreed to one year of driving her there. She didn't get her license when she turned sixteen, and now I'm once again driving her to and from school which I believe should be a privilege rather than a right to attend. We have failed to raise accountable children. We have failed to be responsible and accountable ourselves. My daughters do almost nothing around here and it's my fault for not setting down rules and enforcing them. I feel like I can't ask for money I need to pay for a lawsuit I'm involved in because he failed to pay my car insurance bill after he agreed that he would do this.
I probably should have sued him, but as my attorney friend explained to me at the time, it would hurt me more than it would help him because I am dependent on him for financial support. I lost my job because a so called friend complained to management that I had 'severely embarrassed her' and she was 'absolutely devastated' by me telling them that she had shared a suicide plan with me. This is probably a case of wrongful termination. I was an intelligent and hard working employee who didn't know how to cut off someone who was depending on me to boost their ego and provide untold hours of emotional support. I did this to myself and now I'm in this predicament because I haven't learned lessons I should have been taught as a child. Writing is so necessary for me, but it can't be the only thing that I do. So far I have eleven chapters for my Stan and Carole Ann story. I'm on a role and I'm enjoying it, however I've neglected my other personal writing, and that hasn't been so good for me. I need to learn how to cope with my fears and anxieties better.
I need to better identify my triggers. Even though I lost my shit in the parking lot and at school today, I'm glad that I was able to share how I felt because in the past I would not have done that. Long ago I heard that all you had to do to find out whether someone was good or bad for you was to ask how you felt after interacting with them. I miss my unicorn friend so much it's like a gaping hole in the wall of my chest. I miss that guy more than I miss her and that may sound bad, but I don't care. I miss my boss. I miss the stupid fucking store because I shopped there for a reason. I could buy Kite Hill yogurt that was made from organic almond milk and it might sound like a silly thing, but I haven't found it anywhere else and I want it because I should be able to have food that is healthy, nutritious, and delicious. I don't feel like I can even call the store because that woman works there full time and I don't know if she's been instructed to call the police if she has any contact with me, and I would rather not find that out the hard way. I don't really want to talk to her either. I would love to erase her from my mind, but that's not the way that this works unfortunately.
The good news is I now feel much better than I did. Tomorrow is therapy and I can't wait. I need help. Serious professional help. It's not my mind, it's my emotions. They are completely haywire and I need some training or skills, treatment, something to help me understand how to appropriately express what I'm feeling when I'm feeling it before it gets to the point where I'm raging or sobbing or laughing hysterically at absolutely nothing because I've finally flipped some serious shit inside of me. I need my Anger Free book. I need to keep reading Six Pillars of Self Esteem. This is not a physical break although it's that too, this is an emotional respite and I had no idea how badly I needed it before I got fired. It truly was a blessing in disguise and I am worried about the money, but I'm far more worried about how the rest of my life is going to play out so I need to do something about this which is why I'm forcing myself to write this even though the anxiety is coursing through me like an IV drip. I've learned how to try and breathe through things. Identifying it helps, but these are just small steps on the road to better health.
This morning a friend reached out and then he didn't want to let me go because he was worried about me. I don't know what I said that finally registered. I'm not suicidal, I'm very far from that. I'm feeling things I don't want to be feeling and it's an ugly process. It's scary. I hate it. But I know that this is an important piece of the puzzle that isn't eating better or exercising although those are important too. I quit my library habit and that was foolish as well. I'm not too broke to drive to the library, but I was so angry today that I didn't want to stop. I need to find ways to interrupt strong feelings and switch moods. Writing is cathartic, but I need to balance it with other things. I keep telling myself that I'm going to look for a job as soon as I finish my book. Maybe that's not the smartest idea because what that did was create tremendous internal pressure, like a self imposed deadline and I can feel the crunch coming. Part of me can see the spiral, another part is excited by it because I am the kind of person who thrives on this type of thing. I no longer know how to cope and manage things myself. I'm not enough on my own. I never was. Fortunately, I have God.
Xoxo,
J
P.S. I really miss painting. Another friend called and we had a good chat, but it was also very frustrating. I reached out to some of my close Twitter friends and then I was too anxious to even talk to some of them. I need help and I need it now. If you do too, please, get some.
Much love,
j