As we all know, felching
primarily refers to shoving rodents up one's bum
. Of course, we all have an urge to shove a small furry animal
up our butt from time to time, but it's dangerous. Richard Gere
, for example, was rumoured to have had a sad incident
with a hamster
, which required a surgeon
to get it out.
Now of course, being the animal lover that I am (not in THAT sense), I am against the mistreatrment of animals. And shoving one up your bum is, in my opinion, mistreatment, even if you washed it really well.
So, as the node title promised: how to do it. Well, I'm not going to tell you. If you really want to do it, find out the hard way. Just remember, rodents have very sharp teeth. But, I will throw in this little piece of wisdom I heard from someone (to whom I'm not speaking anymore): Felching is used to stimulate the so called male G-spot, which is found somewhere up the anus. Putting the poor rodent in the freezer before inserting him makes him shiver, which makes him act like a vibrator, massaging your G-spot. When he unfreezes, I hope he eats through your colon.
And again, as promised: why you shouldn't shove cute mammals up your rear end. This is (supposedly) a true article. I bring it here complete along with the editorial comments that were on it when I first read it:
"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomazewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burn Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital.
Tomaszewski and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our
gerbil, in." he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out "Armageddon", my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so i peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking
the light might attract him."
At a hushed press confrence, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out of the tubing, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severly burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the
intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball."
Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.
Top Nine Scariest Things About This Story
9: " I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum..."
8: "So I peered in to the tube..." (I'm sorry, but that's like looking through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use binoculars to stare at the sun).
7: That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self esteem) being shot out of a guy's ass like Rocky the Flying Squirrel on Rocky and Bullwinkle.
6: Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of someone's anus. I'm guessing, but I seriously doubt said gerbil was springtime fresh after his journey into Kiki's "tunnel of love."
5: People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in their rectums.
4: People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromanical, anal sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with charcoal lighter fluid before admitting the truth. Call me old fashioned, but I just
can't imagine looking at a doctor and saying: "Well Doc, it's like this. You see, we have this gerbil named Raggot and we took a cardboard tube ..."
3: "First and Second degree burns to the anus." Wouldn't this make the burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids a welcome relief? How does one ever take a healthy dump after something like this? And the smell of a burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents on the face of God's green earth.
2: People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for: "Idiotic white men who insert rodents up their butts."
1: What kind of hospital would hold a press conference on this?