I. Hate. Feline. Pine.
I hate it so much that I want this to rhyme.
I hate it so much that I want them to die.
I want my damn kittens to shit in their eyes.
I shouldn't hate it. It should be good.
It's made from nothing but recycled wood.
They say that it's healthy. They say that it's great.
They say there's no problem - it eliminates
All of those smells that come out of your cat.
They say there's no dust. They say it won't track.
They say that I'll love it or my money back.
I think I'll be asking for my money back.

They give money to help with the hurricane stuff!
They say that it's easy for you to clean up!
It biodegrades every time your cat pees!
For every ten bags you get one bag free!

Would you like to hear the reality?

When my cats pee, guess what? It expands.
Now instead of having one inch on my hands
Somehow my litter's about three feet deep.
It's a big fluffy pee-scented heap.
Nobody mentioned that this stuff would grow.
Or that it would just naturally overflow.
Or that when it did, the dust would get tracked
Across both our rooms, through the kitchen and back
Turning all of our socks a weird shade of brown
Making it easy to slip and fall down
Making the whole house just smell sort of odd.

Because it doesn't just grow. Oh, my god.
No, it also reeks with an intestinal fug.
The pee bonds with the pine. It gives it a hug
Together they smell like a musty dead dog.
That's not really fair. It smells like a bog.
Okay, it's a smell I've not smelled anywhere
But this smell causes a soul-deep despair.
Apparently, it does the same to the cats.
After a few days of peeing, they ran off and shat
All over my rugs and my basket and floor.
I cleaned the box out extra-well and once more
They peed for a while and then took their revenge.
I've been cleaning up cat shit for weeks now, my friends.

And it's in my bedroom. This used to be fine.
With my favorite litter, it smelled just divine.
And then I ran out of money and so
I bought this cheap crap. I thought it would glow
With hippie-earth-friendly-cat-healthy love.
I thought it was blessed somehow from above.
Fuck no. It's the worst stuff that I've ever used.
For at least two weeks now our house has been abused
By the smells and the poop and dust around my bed.
If I try this again, please shoot me in the head.

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