Friends, food, fellow squid; it is with great pleasure that I reaffirm that the Giant Squid Party is as strong as it has ever been. While the competition is strong this year, it is also squishy and delicious, and I am certain that we CAN be victorious.

While the Giant Squid party is firm in its resolve to dominate the land through violent and merciless means, I feel that it is only right that a progressive party such as ours updates our party principles each election, so it is with great pride that I bring to you the 2012 Giant Squid Party Platform.

AS ALWAYS, my platform is based on the 10 founding principles represented by the mighty squid's perfect anatomy; two tentacles of power and eight arms of principle, each representing massive grasping death and a plank in the Giant Squid Party Platform. They are as follows:

  1. One Ruler. Since the America was first formed the Legislative branch has done little but squabble and whine. The American people deserve a strong and decisive leader, and they shall receive one. Under the Giant Squid, the Congress will be dissolved and all governmental powers returned to the executive branch. The Constitution will be fed to GIANT SQUID.
  2. One Voice. Democracy has ceded power to the weak and merciful for too long. It is time to put such childish bickering behind us, and allow all votes, all media, and all decisions to be controlled by a single, decisive leader. All dissidents will be eaten by the GIANT SQUID, as nature intended.
  3. America for Americans. It will be a crime to be a citizen of any country other than the United States. All Foreigners will be fed to GIANT SQUID.
  4. Every Citizen A Sucker. Like the deadly grasping power of the suckers on a muscular tentacle, all Americans will be immediately drafted into a branch of the military. Service will be brutal and swift, but absolutely mandatory. Pacifists will be fed to GIANT SQUID.
  5. Absolute Fiscal Responsibility. You are all on your own. Whereas might makes right, the Federal Government will continue to collect a flat tax to be determined yearly, or as needed. Taxes may be paid in meat. Those who do not pay promptly will be fed to GIANT SQUID.
  6. Oceans for the Ocean Dwellers. The US Navy will be eliminated as well as all ocean-going vessels of any kind. Anyone approaching within ten yards of a shoreline will be fed to GIANT SQUID.
  7. Common Decency. It is expected that each citizen will forebear from breaking any laws without the intervention of the local law enforcement agencies or the military. Those who fail to meet this expectation will be fed to GIANT SQUID.
  8. Sex education and the Elimination of Birth Control. Young Americans will be expected to Do Their Part to boost citizenship levels. Those who do not begin producing new citizens at an acceptable level will be fed to GIANT SQUID.
  9. Thirteen Meters of Foreign Policy. See planks three, four and six.
  10. Campaign Finance Reform. This party will end campaign corruption by canceling all future elections.

It's time to empower a leader who holds your most treasured values dear. A leader who fearsome visage and powerful crushing strength strikes fear into the enemies of America. There is no longer any need to be burdened with the choice of determining the lesser evil, of listening to idiots bicker through the important weapons of words and rhetoric. Place your trust, your votes, and your future children in the hands of GIANT SQUID.


Giant Squid and Vampyroteuthis infernalis in 2012!
a message from the Giant Squid Party

The Giant Squid Party: Horrifying America's enemies since 2002.

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