The
Hall of
Superheroes was noticeably drafty when only a small number of people were in it. Today there were three, soon to be four.
At one end of the table, Captain
Justice sat solemnly in his red, white, and blue supersuit, flanked by the Amazonian-garbed Queen
Amygdala on his left side, and the stoic, black-with-yellow-highlights-clad
Lightning Man on his right.
"Send him in," Captain Justice solemnly intoned. The secretary's voice crackled over the intercom, "He's on his way."
The superhero who entered wore a costume of yellow, brown, and blue with a high collar and the letters
BF emblazoned on the front. He sat down without a word and stared defiantly at the three convened to judge him.
Captain Justice began. "I think we all know why you're here. Your methods of fighting crime, while effective, are, to put it mildly, troublesome."
"Let's just cut the tape", Queen Amygdala brusquely interrupted, pressing a button on a device in front of her.
A projector showed silent footage, clearly from a
bank security camera. A trio of
machine gun-wielding
bank robbers entered, fired shots in the air, causing customers to scurry to the ground in a panic. The robbers made agitated motions, clearly shouting demands. Suddenly the superhero now at the end of the table entered the scene. The robbers turned to shoot at him, but he was too fast for them. In a flash he was behind one of them, doing something.... unspeakable. And as quickly as that one dropped to the ground holding his buttocks in agony, the superhero was behind another, and then another, until all three were dispatched.
Silence held the room for a minute, before Captain Justice spoke.
"So, Captain.... ahem, Captain Buttfuck. Look, none of this is a good look for us in the superhero community. Let's start with your name, why don’t you call yourself something less, er, graphic. Something like.... Captain Rearguard?"
Captain Buttfuck waved away the suggestion: "too
gay."
Captain Justice look confused for a moment. "But I thought you were-- I mean, you, um--"
Queen Amygdala interrupted again, "you
fuck men in the ass!! Literally the
only thing you do is
fuck men in the ass!!"
"Out of vengeance!!" Captain Buttfuck shouted, slamming his hand on the table.
"But only with men," Queen Amygdala pointed out.
"Well if I did that to a woman, that'd be kind of creepy, wouldn't it? And, look, The Caped Claw would have just ripped all their throats out. Lightning Man over here," he gestured to the man, "would have lit them up like fireworks." Captain Buttfuck leaned back and folded his arms, as Lightning Man slightly cocked his head and nodded in agreement. Captain Buttfuck continued, "at least some of the evildoers I subdue
live to tell about it."
Captain Justice shook his head forcefully, "that's not the point, you know how your methods are perceived. Why can't you learn to fight crime another way?"
"Because
this is my
superpower. This is my gift, I never
asked to have this, this power to subdue evildoers by fucking them in the ass!!"
Queen Amygdala rolled her eyes with a grunt, and hit another button on her device, this time revealing footage of a clearly teenaged--and stoned--pre-costume Captain Buttfuck, having rescued a
genie from a magic lamp. Next to him was a brand new
skateboard and a stack of pizzas, and the teenager was giggling, "Mkay, for my third wish, hahahaha, I want a superpower. Let's see.... oh this is gonna be epic, I want to be able to subdue evildoers by
fucking them in the
ass, hahahahahaha, ehehe, haha!!"
After another moment of palpable silence, Captain Buttfuck began to speak again, but just then, the
trouble signal blared. The secretary's voice crisply cut in on the intercom: "Captain Justice, the city is under attack by
aliens!! They're everywhere. They look like-- they look like giant
buttocks!!"
Captain Buttfuck, raised his eyebrows and glared, hands held out in clear
exasperation.
Captain Justice held his tongue for a moment, then exhaled and muttered, "fine. Go." And Captain Buttfuck was off.