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According to certain people I know, including several workmates, I have an absolute potty-mouth. Which is a bit rich given that today my boss described one of our clients as an "unbelievable fucking first-order cunt." It makes sense in context. However, I'm going to try and avoid the use of four-letter words from here on in.

Instead, whenever I'm tempted to turn the air blue, I'm going to curse using objectionable celebrities. So the above mentioned client would instead be an "unbelievable kardashianing first-order jordan." I think it has a ring to it. Let's try it out a bit, see if it works.

"Morning Hazelnut."

"Morning Breegie."

"Done anything interesting?"

"Not much. Thought about what it would be like to wake up one morning and have two geldofs."

"Kardashianing awesome, I expect. DUAL WIELDING!"

"Oh yes. One in each hand, having the kanye of your absolute cherylcoling life. What you been doing?"

Not much. Been annoyed by clients who seem to want me to hold their geldofs for them whenever they take an andré. It's utterly hopeless. They can all kardashian off as far as I'm concerned. Jordans, the lot of them. Jordans of the first water."

"Oh man. We need to go and get kardashianing wasted, man."

"Got some gear?"

"Yeah, until that fat-cyrussed jordan Chiefie sat on it. We'll never see it again ever, I just know it."

"Oh well, can't be helped. That stuff gives me headache anyhow. Let's stick to the Boddies, shall we?"

"Good call!"

(altogether now) "BEER, BEER, WE WANT MORE BEER. ALL THE LADS ARE CHEERING, GET THE KARDASHIANING BEERS IN!"

*Boddies is supped*

"Later man. I've got the simoncowells something terrible from all that curry last night. Best I go off before we find out that my boots leak. See ya."

I think it's worth a go. I'm gonna try it out for the next few weeks and see if it catches on.

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