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I was completely alone for all of my 20s and I got very used to it. And then you came along; my first adult relationship. I was afraid that I had forgotten how to be a good boyfriend, and I still am worried about that even months later, but I'm trying my best.

Now you love me, but I'm not there yet. I wish I was there, but I'm not. I feel like I'm stuck looking at you through my high school eyes with a blind spot that other people compensate for with their experiences from past relationships. But I don't know what adult relationships look like, and I don't know what patterns they take as they progress over time. How does romantic love differ from the love I have for my best friends? Are you basically just my best friend with added eroticism, or is romantic love something else entirely? What does it feel like to fall in love as an adult who has bills and jobs and housing concerns, compared to falling in love as a teenager when all I had to do was spend a few hours with someone after school? Being with you is exhilarating because every day is new to me. Being with you is worrying because every day is new to me. I could look at other people's stories on the internet, but it's different for everyone isn't it?

How do I know if I love you? Most people say that it's a feeling that just hits you, but others say that it's a conscious decision that you make and remake every morning. I like the latter idea, but do I really just decide to love you? "Hey, I love you now—" just like that? What if I change my mind later and you think that I've been lying this whole time? I've been doing the best I can with the information I've got.

I guess that loving someone as an adult means that you're willing to tie your futures together. But how can I know that I love you when I don't know what my future looks like?

  1. Previously I believed that love
  2. Either didn't exist or wasn't for me
  3. Sharing your body with another person
  4. Is a single facet of intimacy
  5. I knew I was in love with him
  6. The moment his happiness 
  7. And wellbeing became 
  8. Healthy and realistic goals of mine
  9. I did my thing, he did his
  10. Joys in his life lifted me
  11. His pain felt greater than my own
  12. I could give more than I took
  13. My perspective changed
  14. When I realized he needed distance
  15. I left him alone.
  16. Eventually I was able to let him go
  17. Because I was adding to his life
  18. By stepping away
  19. I started dating other guys
  20. But none of them were him.
  1. I wasn't looking for love
  2. The day I reconnected with someone I knew
  3. I was there for a legitimate reason
  4. His questions kept me there
  5. Longer than I would have stayed
  6. Since I was exhausted 
  7. Both physically and emotionally
  8. Meeting him made me want to change
  9. I had new motivation 
  10. A greater desire to take better care of me.
  1. We hugged when I was in Vegas
  2. I have a great deal of respect for him
  3. He's quiet, introverted, sensitive, intelligent
  4. I tried flirting with him
  5. He sent me the heart emoji
  6. After I confessed that he was my Twitter crush
  7. Now I feel incredibly guilty
  8. Because I love him. 
  9. I despise myself for using him
  10. To try and get over someone else.
  1. Wanting and loving someone
  2. Is different than needing them.
  3. If you're unsure
  4. Or can't figure out 
  5. Whether or not you're in love
  6. You're asking the wrong
  7. Questions???
  8. When you love someone
  9. There is no room for doubt.
  10. It isn't a feeling
  11. Although emotions are involved
  12. Their happiness becomes yours
  13. It's very hard to explain
  14. You will find yourself stepping outside
  15. And away from what you thought you wanted
  16. You'll still be you
  17. Your devotion will be obvious
  18. And you won't mind
  19. You'll lose yourself to another
  20. Only to find who you really were all along.

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