I was completely alone for all of my 20s and I got very used to it. And then you came along; my first adult relationship. I was afraid that I had forgotten how to be a good boyfriend, and I still am worried about that even months later, but I'm trying my best.
Now you love me, but I'm not there yet. I wish I was there, but I'm not. I feel like I'm stuck looking at you through my high school eyes with a blind spot that other people compensate for with their experiences from past relationships. But I don't know what adult relationships look like, and I don't know what patterns they take as they progress over time. How does romantic love differ from the love I have for my best friends? Are you basically just my best friend with added eroticism, or is romantic love something else entirely? What does it feel like to fall in love as an adult who has bills and jobs and housing concerns, compared to falling in love as a teenager when all I had to do was spend a few hours with someone after school? Being with you is exhilarating because every day is new to me. Being with you is worrying because every day is new to me. I could look at other people's stories on the internet, but it's different for everyone isn't it?
How do I know if I love you? Most people say that it's a feeling that just hits you, but others say that it's a conscious decision that you make and remake every morning. I like the latter idea, but do I really just decide to love you? "Hey, I love you now—" just like that? What if I change my mind later and you think that I've been lying this whole time? I've been doing the best I can with the information I've got.
I guess that loving someone as an adult means that you're willing to tie your futures together. But how can I know that I love you when I don't know what my future looks like?