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The Noder Association Of America has rated this node as NC-17. It contains sexual swear words, general amoral ranting, and small pieces that could break off and choke a toddler. Be warned.

I don't think it's possible for me to node this without opening myself up to the quite justifiable response "How in the Blue HELL do you know so much about this?". Of course, the answer can only be "Because I'm a sad, lonely, sex-starved net geek who gets off on chatting to other men while pretending to be not only of the opposite sex, but frequently borderline in the age of consent stakes".

I can only beg of you to believe me when I say that I know how to do this because:

  • When I first discovered IRC, nothing provided me and my friends with more amusement than to get a sad middle-aged Yank all juiced up before revealing that 'Cindy the dance student from England' was in fact Eddie, Steve, Scott and Nick, four drunken university students of a very male persuasion.
  • A little later on in my Internet career, I fooled the aforementioned Steve into believing that I was an 18-year-old dancer at a local club for THREE MONTHS.
  • As a brilliant excuse to do something that I enjoyed for a computing module essay, I explored Internet chatrooms from a girl's perspective.
  • It's so much easier to get laid when you're female.

So, frantic disclaimers over with, let's get to the meat and two veg of the matter. How do you convince any man you may meet on IRC that you are an actual, flesh and blood, horny teenage girl? It's harder than you'd think. For a start, if you hang out on IRC long enough, you run into plenty of unconvincing wannabe females. Secondly, if you're a guy, you innately know how guys think. And finally - it's easy enough to get a guy believing you while he pictures you and whacks off. It's the mark of a true sensei to keep him interested post-orgasm and beyond.

Do's and Don'ts

  • DON'T choose UKCumBunny as your nick. It's a dead giveaway unless you are a 29-year-old dominatrix.
  • DO choose a realistic nice girl's name like becky_stafford_16_uk. It hints that you are not just sharking for sex, and also gives away your location and age without losing your innocence.
  • DON'T claim that you are any of the following: a cheerleader, bisexual, soaking wet, wearing your school uniform, naked.
  • DO list your interests as 'music, parties, boys, sport, clothes, the usual'. You're a typical teenage girl, after all.
  • DON'T ever use sexually-explicit vocabulary unless your mark uses it first, and then only in the exact form that he did. It's not realistic to reply to the question 'do you have any sexual fantasies?' with 'more than anything, i want a man to jet his sticky cum all over my soft teen titties'.
  • DO refer to your anatomy as 'my boobs', 'down there' or 'my bottom'. Have some fun and choose some stupid names for your bits. Nine times out of ten he'll use the exact same word as you and will sound ridiculous :)
  • DON'T describe yourself as '34DD-22-35 with blonde hair to my shoulders, a tight, firm ass and a completely shaved pussy'
  • DO bemoan the fact that your boobs aren't really that big, all your friends get more attention than you, that you don't think you're sexy and you wish you looked like Natalie Portman/Sarah Michelle Gellar/Jennifer Lopez. When they see your picture, they'll fall over themselves to compliment you.
  • DON'T send them a picture you found on www.anal-dutch-teens.com. The single biggest giveaway is sending an obvious pr0n pic and claiming it to be yours. Even an amateur nude pic is pushing it.
  • DO find a few clothed pictures of a pretty girl who has a good body, is dressed to show at least some of it, and a nice smile without being gorgeous. If you were a hot teen girl, would you look for Mr. Right in #!!!!!!youngergirlsandolderguys ?
  • DON'T let yourself slip into generic porn vocabulary as soon as the conversation heats up. Don't use your full vocabulary either, or type too fast if you are L337.
  • DO type all in lower case and dont worry 2 much about punctuation, its also a good idea 2 abbreviate everything u type 2 ur irc boyf. giggle a lot too and use '/me blushes' and lots of :) :) :))))). Especially when he tells you you're so hot.
  • DON'T let slip that you have any knowledge of the sexual arts. Virgins are money on IRC. You can have french kissed, had your boobs felt, even been fingered. But you have never - and The Rock means NEVER - had any of the following: A threesome, lesbian sex of any kind, a cum-bath, a fist inside you, sexual thoughts about your sister (who is also NOT bisexual, a cheerleader or a porn star).
  • DO express a desire to be taught all about sex, and that when you find a man you trust and love you will let him do anything to you. This can include all of the above - as long as he mentions it first.
  • DON'T admit to being sexually aroused within the first half hour of chat. Neither are you masturbating when he asks. Neither have you got anything in any orifice.
  • DO admit with some embarrassment that you masturbate regularly, that you feel kind of 'tingly' in your pussy, and that you'd kind of like to try anal sex - even if it hurts.
  • DON'T, even in the height of a supremely sexual chat, let it all slip at the end by begging him to ream your tight little virgin butt or video you and your sisters sucking and fucking all night long. He will figure out that you are a complete fraud and will close the chat as soon as he shoots his load.
  • DO ask him to mail you and hint that a Real Life meeting could be in the offing...especially since your chat has been so special and you can't stop thinking about him. Save the really kinky shit for when you're growing tired of the poor sap. You sick fuck.

So there you have it. An instant guide to success. Or, at least, it would be if it wasn't an instant guide to being a sad, morally-bankrupt geek boy who's pissing his life away helping other men jack off. I hope that orgasm's worth it, Junior.


Addendum: Ooh, how the softlink abuse cuts me to the bone. (Insert rant about how those who use softlinks to review nodes are cowardly, subhuman scum here). Have you had your heart broken by a gender-bending IRC prankster? Did it hurt? Did it make you feel like your world had collapsed...like you'd wasted weeks of your existence and all of your love on nothing more than a mirage, a trick of the light, a product of your own gullibility? The Jerry Springer team are waiting for your call!

Come on, Junior...face it. The knowledge that she is out there, somewhere, some channel, some server...waiting for Mr. Right, waiting to be found, waiting for you...isn't it that knowledge that deludes you long enough to pick yourself up, dust yourself down and get straight back on that chat server to find her, and maybe get your heart stomped on again and again and again? Hey, I found her eventually. And you know what? It lasted eight months.

That's why I don't go online to look for her anymore. And that's why I don't have any sympathy for men who look for her in #!!!!!!schoolgirlsexchat.

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