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When I was 25 a friend of mine decided to tell me about the time he was in jail, about 10 years earlier. He only spent 2 days in a regular jail, not a penitentiary, after getting arrested for assault and waiting for a bail hearing. But it was enough time to learn at least one trick of the criminal trade.

He told me that the inmates weren’t allowed to have newspapers and asked if I knew why. After I put forth an I’m 15 and I know everything explanation about The Man wanting to keep his prisoners in the dark about the goings on of the outside world, he explained how I was wrong.

He said they wouldn’t let the inmates have newspapers because they’d use them to kill or severely beat each other.

Here’s how it works:
1) Unfold a newspaper and lay the pages out flat.
2) Take about 20-25 pages and slide them apart, so they overlap each other by about 4 inches.
3) Roll the papers and you’ll have a nice thick tube.
4) Fold the tube in half at the middle.
5) Hold the folded tube by the ends and hit anything you want to break with the thick, hard, folded end.

He explained it to me and I didn’t think it would work either. But go try it, like I did. You’ll be surprised how hard that folded paper can be and how much leverage you can get in a swing. You could hammer nails with it.

A few blows to the back of the head with this thing and you’re all set. It’s lighter than a baseball bat and just as hard. And the folds make a few pointed corners that would rival a medieval mace.

It has the added advantage of being an easily disposed of murder weapon too. Just unroll and flush down a toilet. The environmentally friendly paper breaks down easily and the evidence becomes just so much pulp in a sewer.

My buddy Chris, 1975-2004. See ya man.

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