Ok, I realize most Everythingians don't do these types of things, but I've been a sysadmin, or worked for tech support for a while now, and these are things that piss me off, in no particular order. I realize these may be repeated elsewhere, on humor pages and such, but these actually happened to me.

  • Lie. Seriously, people will do this, even when you can easily prove it, and when they know that you can. I have a lot more respect for someone that will say I fucked up than for someone who pussyfoots around and feigns moronity. Show some backbone, for crying out loud.
  • Rant. Seriously, I don't give a rat's ass how many other people you've talked to who don't have this problem, how much you're paying for $SERVICE, or what kind of problems you've had in the past. That does NOTHING WHATSOEVER to help me solve your immediate problem.
  • Do things to your computer, while they're on the phone with you, that they didn't tell you to. They're usually going through a mental checklist of things that could be wrong. If you could've done this by yourself, then why the fuck did you call in the first place?
  • Ask them very open-ended questions.
  • Call and ask 'Is the server down?' They love that.
  • When something doesn't work, randomly change configuration options until it does.
  • Claim to be knowledgable due to some bloated certification. Claim that you could fix the problem faster.
  • Use Windows ICS. Call your webhosting provider about problems that are obviously related to your internal network configuration. Tell them they should help you.
  • Allow people to install things on your personal machine that you have no idea how to use, then fire them. Repeat above step.
  • Email support and complain that you can't send mail.
  • Get annoyed and huffy when they assume you're a moron.
  • Relate to them how your company would handle a problem of this nature with one of it's clients.
  • Tell them exactly how your day is going Include amusing anecdotes.
  • Be as nonspecific as possible.

This is not a complete list, to be sure. As I think of more, I'll add them. Feel free to add your own.

If work isn't completed in timely fashion i.e. ten or fifteen minutes, call back, they may have forgotten about you. Repeat as necessary.

If you knocked your monitor off your desk on accident it should be covered under warranty. Very carefully explain this to a technician. You may have to repeat yourself as they often don't seem to listen

If someone is attempting to help you with your computer and they start to use a lot of big funny sounding words, you don't have to listen. All that technical goobl-de-gook is no use for you as long as you can collate your mail list.

If a helpful technician has his head stuck in the innards of your workstation, mucking around with the insides, do something helpful and turn your computer back on. There is no reason your time should be wasted because of the technicians inability to fix the problem.

Never look at your cables. They don't do anything important anyways. They just look ugly. In fact, if they don't match your decor, get rid of them altogether.

If the power goes out in your building, there is no reason why you can't continue to work. Explain to the technician that the phones work, so the computers should too.

There are many ways that one can make any IT staff member upset, but I present to you some of the sure to displease methods of getting them upset with you.

Install plenty of software
If you have enough rights on your computer, install any software you like. Then, when your machine grinds to a halt, make sure you don't tell the IT staff about any software you loaded. Let them assume you have a standard issue machine and spend countless hours trying to fix your problem before realizing what you've done.

Open any and all email
Open an email from someone you don't know. If there's an attachment on the email, open it and see what it is. If it's an executable, make sure you run it to see what it does. If nothing happens, disable that pesky antivirus software and try again, and only then check with a coworker to see what it might actually be. At this point, you should be getting responses from people who are getting email from you, which you didn't send, and a member of the IT staff should be storming your way. Now might be a good idea to go hide.

Play "musical cables"
If you see a bunch of wires in the development server room, why not play with them? Go ahead, there's enough that messing around with one or two shouldn't cause too many problems. Unplug them, and switch them around. If you're lucky, they won't be labeled and you'll have fun, meanwhile the servers around you begin to go down because they cannot access the network. You might also be greeted by flashing lights, but to you, that means you're doing something right.

File hide and seek
Delete some files off of a server. They aren't your files, so they must not matter, right? Better yet, uninstall some things that you think the server doesn't need. "SQL Server, why do we need that?" you think, and a few clicks later and it's gone. Granted, this is a test server that you are allowed to be messing with, but when your coworkers realize the server is gone and call IT, then guess who IT is going to ask about the SQL Server?

Configuration Files are for your enjoyment
You've seen them before. Files ending in .INI or .CFG, and you've even heard about something called Regedit. Play with these, make sure you make some changes that you think will make a difference in your system, and then reboot your computer. When things don't go as planned, call IT and let them know that the machine they have provided you is a piece of garbage and you want another one. For an added bonus, make sure you try some of the registry tweaks you find on the internet on your machine.

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