I wrote these instructions for a woman who I help with the computing part of her job. 
She is using Outlook Express 5

Even with these instructions she finds getting her own email too difficult a task to manage, so I get it for her once a week. 

I hope some of you will find this useful in the face of stupidity. And even if you don't, it's probably worth a giggle or two :)

Receiving Email

1. Minimise the database
To Minimise any programme, locate the button marked with a small horizontal line in the top right hand corner of your screen.

2. Open the Email programme.
Locate the icon marked "Email - Click and press Enter"*
Click it, and then press the "Enter" key on your keyboard.

3. Wait
Wait until you see a box marked "Dial-up Connection" appear in the centre of your screen.

4. Enter your password
Your cursor ( the blinking vertical line) must be in the field marked "password". It may appear in this position, but if you do not see it there, you may position it yourself, either by using your mouse to move the cursor into the password field, or by pressing the "Tab" key on your keyboard until the cursor appears in the field.
Remember to begin your password with a capital letter, and when you have finished writing it, press the "Enter" key on your keyboard.

NOTE: the password you type will appear as "******" on your screen. This is to prevent the risk of other people copying it down and using your account.

5. Wait.
Wait while the computer dials the modem.
Have a cigarette. Sing a little song if you wish. This part can take up to five minutes.
The modem (in the computer's system unit to your left) will make twanging sounds, although these may be difficult for you to hear. Do not be concerned if you hear nothing.
At this point, a box marked "Welcome to Windows" will appear in the middle of your screen.

6. Close the "Welcome to Windows" box
Click the button marked "Close" on the "Welcome to Windows" box.

7. Discover whether you have new email
If you have new email the programme, which you have opened in the previous steps, will detect it automatically.
New email will be at the top of your list of email, and the Sender, Subject and Date of the new email will be written in bold text, so as to stand out.

8. Read your new email
Click on the bold text in the Sender, Subject and Date of your new email. The email itself will appear in the panel in the lower left hand portion of your screen.

9. Print your new email
This step is optional.
Make sure there is a dark blue line across the Sender, Subject and Date of the email you wish to print.
Hold down the "Control" key on your keyboard (marked Ctrl). While it is held down, press the "P" key on your keyboard.
Release both keys. When a box marked "Print" opens, press the "Enter" key on your keyboard.

10. Close the Email programme
When you have finished reading your mail, or if you have no new mail, you will wish to close the email programme by locating the small button marked with an "X" in the top right hand corner of your screen, and clicking it. 

11. Disconnecting from the Internet
When the email programme closes, a box marked "Auto Disconnect" will be displayed. It will ask the question "Do you want to close the connection?"
Click on the "Disconnect Now" button.

12. Go back to your database
At the very bottom of your screen you will see a horizontal grey line running the entire length of the screen. Locate on this line a button marked "Q&A - SWEET.DTF" and click it.

*I renamed her Outlook Express icon to make things simpler for her.

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