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Ostrich egg retrieving is a delicate art. The 8-10ft tall birds are already dangerous, but during breeding season, they're just plain terrifying. The males have clawed feet that could kill with one swipe. I've seen a man hospitalized for months after suffering 6 broken ribs, a broken arm, bruised lungs, and a very bruised back from a close encounter with one of his own birds. He was lucky he survived. Without the proper precautions and knowledge, retrieving an egg could mean the end of your mortal life as well. In order to prevent such a tragic end, follow this guide exactly when retrieving any eggs.

First of all, it is necessary to perform this task with at least two people. Three is even better. Only one will be doing the actual retrieving. This person must be a fast runner and jumper. Pole vaulters or track racers would be excellent for this job. The others will act as distractions, so it is suggested that they wear brightly colored clothing. The egg snatcher should wear neutral colors.

Assuming the birds are kept in an enclosed area (anything else would be lunacy), the egg or nest (a shallow hole on the ground) should be near the back. Approach the fence with caution. No doubt the male will be following your every move, making warning signals, flaring out his wings, and stomping, so he will also be near the nest. Be thankful that females do not usually pose a threat.

This is where the other distractors come in very useful. They must draw the birds attention away from the egg snatcher. Waving your arms, shouting, and running back and forth usually work fairly well. They should slowly make their way to the opposite end of the enclosure, making sure the bird is following.

While all this is happening, the egg snatcher should remain as inconspicuous as possible while preparing to make his move. When the ostrich is as far away as possible (the farther he is, the longer it takes for him to run back once he sees you), the egg snatcher should approach the fence. I find that running at the fence gives an added height to your jump.

Scale the fence as quickly as possible, and jump to the ground on the other side. Don't bother climbing down, it takes too long and you waste precious moments. The distractors should be using all effort to keep the bird's attention, but it's still a matter of seconds before he sees you.

Once you're inside, waste no time in retrieving the egg. It is as big as two dozen chicken eggs so it will not be easy to carry, but find some way to manage and do it quickly. The ostrich would have noticed you by now and started back. He won't be too happy when he sees you with his egg.

Now is the moment of truth. You must bolt towards the fence with all your energy, jump it as fast as possible, and land on the other side before the raging parent reaches you. Keep in mind that ostriches can reach speeds of 45mph and you are making off with its egg.

Once you are on the other side, get away from the fence, because the ostrich is still angry and you don't want to be too close, but if you manage to accomplish all of that, you should be very proud. You can walk away with your week's supply of omelets and wait until the next day to do it all over again (ostriches lay every 1-2 days).

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